Operating Mode: 不知"最怕"

Spotted on Today's free publication, <我報>:

人有思想, 卻最怕胡思亂想.

人有朋友, 卻最怕豬朋狗友.

人有緣分, 卻最怕有緣無分.

人有理想, 卻最怕不理也不想.

uncannily familiar... hmm...

uh-oh! think I am in the "不理也不想" mode...

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The Truce Within

It feels funny seeing someone I once had a liking for, walking past, turn around and wave. I smiled at him in acknowledgement and waved back like an old friend. Come to think about it, we didn’t know each other that well really – only that one dinner one evening almost five years ago…

I can't help, my eyes fixated on him and his girlfriend running in the rain, his hands sheltering her, as I stood alone under the grey shelter of the bus stop. It was a pretty sweet sight from where I was standing. Yet oddly, it must have been quite a contrast they will see if they had looked back. Thank God they didn't. The bus stop usually has more people, and the passageway more crowd at this time…

My heart let out a light sigh. Then uncontrollably, with my head down as they disappeared from sight, I managed to brace a smile at myself. There was a certain indescribable feeling welling within.

Sometimes, I have to think I am quite remarkable in some ways even though the world does not consider me. Well done to myself.

Imbalanced

CCF had Dr D Quek, psychiatrist from TTSH to give a medical talk on anxiety disorder this month. And he said people who have tendencies towards Obsessive Compulsive Behavior (aka perfectionist streak) make perfect workers. But are generally pie-mia (poor life) folks. Yes, that coming from a science person! Totally agree with him...

Won't say i am exactly a perfectionist, but why strive to be on time when the whole department only start appearing after 9am? Notwithstanding, they get to do their own stuff, capitalise on their own self-serving audacities, unabashedly make requests for privileges and (the most unfair thing!) get obliged. Their private lives seem great too.

An apparent fool am I, playing within the rules, trying to be understanding, living life on the edge... and yet finding myself edged out. Yes, the doc also mentioned that people who tend to sit too near the edge of their seats have higher likelihood of getting heart attacks. Really should stop being too hard on myself. Must consciously lean back, love myself more and not be too bothered about other people... perhaps then, life will be better...
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We have a system that increasingly taxes work and subsidizes non-work.
~ Milton Friedman ~
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Drifting by the Riverside

Got to dine and chill out along Riverside Point at Clarke Quay last evening with some work associates after work. Can't remember the last time I did this. Al fresco dining couldn't get better in Singapore with the balmy weather and accompanying Latin-Spanish flamenco tunes in the background... Although it can never beat that atmosphere at Pier 39 in San Francisco, it was good enough.


It was nice being able to bask in the crowd's hype, and yet be able to be detached from it. It need not matter that I was distracted from the table conversations from time to time (since there were others to keep up the conversation). I was grateful just to have company.

Better still is to be able to place my mind in the clouds and be transported away, whenever I don't feel like engaging. I wondered who's within the towering mall and offices at the other side of the river bank. Is there someone looking out as I gazed up at the full length windows? Will I be a silhouette familiar to someone overlooking from one of those bright openings? Or will I spot any somebody having dinner or working up there?

I guess it would be nicer if the company were people closer to my heart, with more intimate talks. But this wasn't bad as well. Whenever I withdrew a little too far off and too long to hazy muddle-land, I am thankful to E*'s thoughtful little gestures that would break the spell and pull me back to earth's ground....

Somehow, I think the evening had been a pleasure.


Just thinking.. perhaps I need a little more "available company" who would give a buzz anytime for a chill-out session as such... but I guess I am trapped at an age where everyone around just seemed so caught up in their own carousal, it would be too imposing to have me wander into their bubble. The irony of this is that I feel like the lone left-out kid totally lost in the busy world that is spinning by faster than I could turn my head...

Suddenly, I miss being in the presence of people who would sit around in mirth, unwind and enthrall me with stories of the world at large and narrating trivialities like how the idea of shampoo sachets came about... alright, alright, I think i am drifting... again....
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Another Knot

And so another friend got hitched. A little hurt though that I have to find out about it on FB.... to think I have regarded him as a good friend. So sad nobody ever has any regard for my regards...... haiz.. these lousy people...

Well, wish him a blissful union nonetheless.. think he had long been looking forward to this day... Congrats! Congrats, friend~ The very least, he has added another fairy-tale to the record..

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Tweet Tweet

Too empty a long weekend...

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Men in White & their White Empathy

I have always been mesmerised by guys in white shirts. (eh.. not the ones with see-through material and visible ah-pek singlet lines though..) ... until i fell to my senses Wednesday morning en route to work.

Onto the hard tar ground I fell. Flat. My knees and knuckles scrapped with cuts and lacerations, along with a bruise on the chin. Biting the excruciating pain, and after spraying the open wounds with water lots, I went to see the doctor.

As he examined the cuts and expressed his empathy, he wet the gauze with antiseptic lotion, pressed it hard on the wound and gave it a good rough rub. OMG! *Almost fainted* All the words of empathy and saying that he understood the pain and stuff are but lip service. I actually believed him!

After the job, he tried to engage in an "academic discussion" (quote-and-unquote right from the horse's mouth) with me - to put two stitches over the wound so that the scar will have "caterpillar legs" or leave the open wound to heal on its own and have a scar (as it is).

It sounded like a silly discussion to engage in. I was only interested to know how he can stop the pain and the relentless bleeding. All I was told however, was that there is no magic and to leave the wound open to dry.

These people in white shirts - consultants or doctors alike - just love talking till the earth turns flat, but never giving indications and resolutions proper. Utterly incomprehensible. I should not harbour any hope on them... *bleah*

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Condition: Grouch

Yes, I have been on the downswing for the past few days.

Saw a colleague with her boyfriend yesterday, and i pretended not to see them. Not too sure if it is that I don't feel comfy with her bf's expressionless stone face, or that I am generally in a don't-feel-like-making-small-talks mood. Or just maybe, I really don’t feel like seeing yet another couple within my sight range (remember what they say about the grouchy old maids?).

I wish I could be more vivacious and bubbly. Live the time with more hope and energy... Or at the very least, feel more attractive. But it is taking increasing efforts to defy gravity and keep up the smiles. My hair is in some mess; no amount of combing seems to be able to tame them. The parting is wrong no matter how. My clothes looked ugly. And my skin awful too… I hate what I am seeing. Even my mind is not able to churn any useful words to hold any meaningful conversation. No news or gossips tantalize like they should. Everyone seemed to be getting on my nerves. I thought I just wanted to be hidden in my own corner, yet I hate that very thought... that of being ignored into non-existence..

And someone who talked about having to get comfy alone at this age, or the other who exalts life in so-called swinging independence set my eyeballs rolling in annoyance...

Ok, I confess. I am in the old maid's mood... *&#%*@
(i learnt that term from the k-serials.. geez... i think i should stop watching any more k-dramas...)

Hello, I'm Porc-ky.

I do not actually make extra efforts to get acquainted with new (some)bodies. With age, I know I am making less or no new friends, but I am making no effort to navigate through life otherwise. Yes, I am a social porcupine whose quills grow longer and sharper with age.

Am I socially dysfunctional? Have I been pulling anti-social antics subconsciously? Much as I'd like to think I am learning to be more forgiving, somehow, there will be people who pisses me off indefintely, and more others with whom I'd forever feel some negative vibes - I could feel dark clouds of awkwardness loom whenever they are near...

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Honestly, I have no inkling how friends are made. There is no direct formula or logical object flow that can be applied. Usually, I am pretty much “intuitively reactive”. For me, getting comfy with people is simply magic. Something I, myself cannot quite fathom.

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There are people who I naturally feel an affinity with and won't mind them venturing into my sphere of personal space bubble. Yet there are others with whom I am happy to keep my distance from.

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This week, I have been getting some texts that leaves me not knowing how best to react. I didn't want to be nasty. Neither am I in the mood to be friendly and entertain. My quills stood up. I did a naughty thing and pretended to miss the texts. (but there are genuine times when i really did forget to reply them!)

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Well, if all things fail, i might just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I'm Porc-ky..."

(alright, i admit, i'm a bad liar. I probably won't be able to do that... so please don't call me using some new numbers I never knew. You probably won't get through...)

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Men who left me perplexed

Was suppose to meet up with the "married men club" last week, and both guys offered to give me a ride... I was over-whelmed by the attention, albeit for the fact that they are all married men. Then I found out that there were some unhappiness over something so seemingly trivial and minor as just that.. gosh... how did things take a turn to such complications?

Met up with Tuan* on Thursday and she told me her surprise when her 84-year-old father-in-law still remembers and asks after me after all these years. Yes, I do adore the old man, but like Tuan*, I simply did not expect him to still remember me after such a long absence... i mean... it has been at least half a decade... perhaps XL* was right - I appeal to the old uncles and aunties... (and only them?)

Then there was a particular some other who would offer to drive me home, and ask me out for lunches (when he is hungry and has no plans for the afternoons)... Not appearing when he said he would (yet said he remembered, which is not consistent with his short memory...), and appearing when least expected (supposedly to be real busy), only to be in a rush to scoot off for yet another appointment, without much exchanges... and in seeming distraction and nonchalence... But why appear to start with then?

Am I supposed to read anything into that?

Ah well, I guess there are just too many things I don’t understand…

* shrug *

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