Too difficult a person

The last Tuesday saga: Attempts to find a last minute date failed miserably. It did not quite help that no one actually bothered to even try being nice. Feeling utterly sorry for myself, I snapped at anyone who might cross my path that day. I know I should not, but I was seriously too depressed to second process my actions and/or reactions. I was so upset, I actually felt like plonking myself in the middle of some vast plains and cry. Out loud. The chemicals were raging awry in the head. How hormonal can I get?

The chemical reactions only tamed when Ping told me she'd skip CG (although the thought of that made me guilty instead) for the show. She had to rush home after work, and meet me in Bugis thereafter, and even paid for her share of the tickets, although I offered it free. And no, I resorted no retorts or emotional threats. For all those trouble, I was just too grateful she'd even offer to come. The mood scaled higher when I received a call from E* later in the evening to ask if I'd need his company for the show. Nevermind the phonecall came only an hour before the show. By the end of the show, the crankiness in me pretty much got oiled and eased off. At least, I found no impending need to find a good field to cry in.

That's the magic theatres do to me. All I needed was a show and a company, and I am happy. It's simple, but oh-so-hard nowadays.

T* came by my cube at the end of the following day wearing his usual grin, offering to accompany me to the bus stop as an offer of apology for not being to take up my offer for the show. In between the usual wicked banters, I think he had something to tell me, which he did not. Until the next day.

He swung by my cube on Thursday and after some casual jesting, carefully asked, "Can you help me understand why you vented your anger at me and W* on Tuesday? We were not obliged to watch the show with you, right?"

I wonder how long it took him to craft that statement so as not to appear offensive, but it was still a smack on my face. He was dead right. No one was obligated to take my offer. 

I attempted nonchalance and brushed him off with talks of simply being hormonal.

That made me feel bad nonetheless. How willful have I been?


After church on Sunday, I was startled out of my daze by a car honk while passing by Adam Road hawker centre alone. It was T* and his friend after their lunch. I moped along after saying hi and bye. It was not a good idea to hold up traffic. Minutes later however, T* dropped me a message and asked if I'd want him to join me in town for tea. Behind my caustic replies, there was a tinge of appreciation at that offer. Been a long time since anyone would do a weekend afternoon tea with me. I waited for him to go home to change out of his tennis gears while I shopped around on my own.

We met again two hours later and decided to head to a tea cafe in Mandarin Gallery that I have been wanting to check out, but never had the opportunity to find good company to do so with. We found it at a quaint corner, and stood by the entrance for a good few minutes. The service staffs saw us, but made no attempts to engage us. In fact, it appeared to me that there were too many service staffs crowding at the counter giggling amongst themselves, they were blatantly ignoring us. I tucked T* on his sleeves, and told him we should leave.

In his usual grin, he asked me what was wrong. "Just wait lah!", he said with an even bigger grin, and went about prancing and waving for attention into their faces like a kid. "It's okay", he said with a glee that irritated me because I did not know how to respond in good balance between his chill manners and my foaming guts. Like being ignored was nothing. I seriously have no idea what he was made of. I shot darts at him. 

By the time we finally got some attention, the service staff directed us to a convenient table within the cafe along the corridor. T* spotted a window seat at the far corner that had just been cleared, and asked them if they could let us have it. I am dead sure I saw the eyes of the waitress roll as she asked her co-worker to go and clear the table. I was totally not impressed. I wanted to get away from them. Or them away from me, whichever works. But looking at T* beaming away in oblivion, it baffled me how he can remain blithe in the face of mean people. 

Despite the unpleasant episodes at the cafe entrance, it was decadent luxury for me whiling the afternoon away after we settled in, sipping tea and talking about nothing in particular that I can now remember over dessert. I only remembered the delights of T* and his friend (who joined us later) squealing over photos of half-naked A&F male models putting themselves on display in the streets that day. I sank with contentment into my seat. It was a good corner we were in.

By the end of the day, the dark clouds looming over my head was largely dispelled. I actually found myself in better spirits. It then dawned on me that I probably would not have enjoyed the Sunday  should I have insisted on throwing a tantrum and stomping away. For a while, I actually envied T*'s devil-may-care take on the people around. However, the lesser devil in me is also acutely aware that this means he is thoroughly insensitive, so I cannot be too sure which is good... Okay, I guess I am mulling too much again. Maybe I should really control the effects the un-controllables have on me.

As I am writing this, a MSN message from D* came in. He says I have been too hard on myself. We were just talking about my unwillingness to watch movies alone. Have I really been too difficult as a person?

Where to be at the Last Moments

My boss dropped by my cube looking for a little kit-kat time, and he chose to start the conversation with the morbid topic of his BIL seeing a psychiatrist because he had been stressed out by the consecutive death news of his friends. In what must have been an ultimate manner of a frozen cucumber (hah!), I spurt out the cliché "just go when it's time to go." There really is no need to be too obstinate or affected by what cannot be controlled.

Having that come from the seeming control-freak, he raised an eye-brow and probed: "what will you do if you know tomorrow is going to be your last?"

Without missing a beat, the stoic cucumber assured him that I will still be back at work even if tomorrow is going to be my last. I did not think my answer was meant to be a bootlicking statement until he paused for a second too long, batted his eyes and slipped onto my visitor’s chair, saying he will be happy to hear that as a boss, but found it worth a concern as a colleague. I read his message, and from the frozen silence in the air, I can almost hear brain waves from the surrounding cubicles signaling brows to rise .

I felt compelled to look up from my half-written email, and asked him what he would do instead.

He tried to sound news-worthy: “Most people would want to spend their last days with their loved ones”.  As if proud to be one conforming to the majority, he said that he too, would gather all his loved ones and have a very good (read: expensive) meal. 

Loved ones? My head went into google-mode for those two words and found them in the class of dream luxury that I can only salivate with envy and probably won’t get to bask in. Call me callous, but I looked at him, blinked, and found no more honest answer than to re-iterated, “I will still be here.”

I did not elaborate then, but at the last moments, I suppose there is just too little time to indulge in superficial exchanges with people to whom I am but a contemptuous excess. It might make more sense to just complete well whatever had been in original plan… 

Okay, I know that's probably a little hard to swallow, though yes, everyone should have the fortune of spending their last moments with families - and maybe friends (if they might spare the time) - who can truly be called beloved.

Not everyone can have a share in the same pleasures.

How do I do the Resolution?

01-Jan came and went with the fireworks. So did the 15 days of Chinese New Year. It's a little late to talk about resolutions now, right? Ah well, whatever..

Eversince going through the eye procedure, I feel like I am living in some para-zone. Most times, I can see happenings whizzing by pretty well, but when some sort of concentration is needed to grab a thought and /or to intellectualize anything, my near vision blurs. It is not only the eyes. My impaired and possibly impairing cognitive mechanisms are also becoming more apparent. And I am tempted to put all the blame on my surgeon but yea, I suppose that's unfair. But what's fair?

So, a grouch I have been as I manoeuvred through life's past months in bitter annoyance. A colleague got the brunt of it for a good many weeks because he conveniently forgot an appointment we've made without any care or notice. I derived no amusement for being treated so flippantly. I was not hoping that anyone should push out other appointments for me, but the least is to give me a courtesy heads-up when I get pushed out.

Last Sunday, a smart-alecky young boy shook my hands and said my name is Florence before I had even introduce myself. I told him, no, I am not Florence, but Fxxxxxxx. He dismissed me and said it's the same. It's NOT (double bold, and double-underline-in-red "NOT") the same, Brawny-Boy! I pulled out my thickest block of ice jacket and retreated back to my seat. Not too sure if I have been feeling too self-important, (and ok, this is a small matter,) but somehow, I thought I'd at least deserve a little more politeness.

For some reasons, I am still unable to come to terms with myself being a triviality even having lived through three decades. I know life's not fair, but who is another mere human to have me trodden under their feet? Who are these people whom I did not even get to choose to mess my life up?

"Unfair!", I cry, but so what? I have found that I am not the only factor to whip up such a fare. The other factors are somewhat impossible (at least for me) to control. Okay, I might have been thought to have over-reacted.... but... but.... *sigh*

I have gone through this too many times, and I'd think I've sulked so much that I'd suppose my innards had all turned disagreeably acrid. There are times when I seriously thought I was getting used to the bitter taste. But no, the flavour still does make me sick. I am in desperate need for some candy coats.

Hence, the resolution: I've gotta try to keep happy. Not the self-deluded kind of happy, but to be really happy.

Yeah, it's what most people take for granted, but I guess it's what I'd need a double dose of resolution to keep. Wallowing in self-pity is like adding depression to depression. Or depression to what already is depressing. I really should not waste the next half of my life in reeking dumps. I have never quite done any resolutions. But really, how does one get his little gasp of cheer while being ruthlessly tramped on?

Read somewhere that psychologists found social ties to be reliable indicator of happiness, and I am fully aware that I sux big-time at keeping ties. My already small social circle is shrinking with time, and I am of little confidence I can truly push the boundary bigger. I'd try to at least keep that already small circle from constricting further, but my mind is failing, I have never been very entertaining, and there are even fewer interested parties to get knotted in... hmm...  so, how do i do the resolution?

Growing up is awfuller than all the awful things that ever were

Everyone around seems to be doing grown-up things, they've got lands, status and people under their portfolio. Everyday's conversation cannot be divorced from the buzz of stocks, shares, properties, renovations and/or babies. You've gotta be on the tracks to the league of the 125,000 millionaire households (and counting) in SG or of making smart-ass babies. If not both.

At this age, everyone around are grown-up. They are... ermm... THERE, there doing the adult-y things. Everyone's building their great empires, and they are doing it as if most naturally. It is instinctive for the adults, I guess. Soon, they will be sipping wine and waltzing on their high thrones, looking at the next horizon.


So here I stand, on my bald little turf, pretending to be, but feeling oddly ill-adjusted to that instinct. I have my secret cravings for Ribena to replace the tannic wine in the wine glass I've been shoved. I have no gazing tower so I tip-toe to see what might lie beyond. I guess I must have not explored, discovered or played enough. I have acquired none of the grown-ups' instinct. I must have skipped some steps in life unwittingly.

Beneath my feets are fine sand whilst my peers stand atop their skyscrapers. In my head, there's just wondering if I will ever even see a lawn blossom. I am (still!) standing on my little brown patch hoping for some pretty daffodils to sprout under my feet one day.


Part of me actually find some occassional sense of zen in my laurel, bare though it may be. The dreadful thing: I am also of full consciousness that time's running out on me.

But geez, what do I do? Growing up is awful.

Out of sort

I have been feeling out of sort recently. Actually, I think it has been too long, I can't say it was that recent....


If we need our soul to be aligned to the head to function, I guess my soul must have been half dangling from my physical body, hanging dearly for its breath as I plod along... and for too long. I think the soul is getting asphyxiated.


The condition became evident when I caught eye of someone familiar from afar while shopping the other day. I walked towards her, as she did towards me. My mind a blank, I was frantically trying to make out who she was, while I brave on with a smile. (Yes, for some funnny reasons, I am able to cast exasperations and soldier on life in the most natural looking freshness while stale within. hah!)

She smiled back. It was the same anxiety as in the examination room when I stared at the questions with the brain's HDD and processor jammed at just the right time, in uncanny sync.


Then I got too close.


I banged myself into the mirror just as I opened my mouth to say hi.


Yea.. I guess I must have looked like a narcissist who cannot stop smiling at her own image. But the difference is the narcissist knows herself, bending over to admire herself clearer. But me? I just cannot recognise myself until I recognised the mirror. No kidding.... geez... Am I a mental case?

So blame me not if I have missed out anything recently. If I can miss out on myself, I guess I can be forgiven for missing out on any other thing... Need to tack the soul back to the body before (horrors of horrors!) I smile at the monkey and next try to say hi...

Little things to be thankful for

Life sux big time. Can't label myself an achiever even up to this age, seemingly good things elude me to my utter perplexity (still!), and there seemed a zillion things to be done at the back of my head but I can't seem to pin point what they are. Worse: it bothers nobody.

I have been good, haven't I? (alright, not the best, i confess)



Then there came nice little gestures - a warm colleague who would go to her neighbour's to pluck out a custard apple for me just because the suah-ku me know not what it is...
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Well, I guess there are nice little things in life too, the niceties amplified because there just aren't enough of them... I ought to be thankful because I get to appreciate a little thought which might otherwise have been glossed over.
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Table for One

Craving for some indulgence yesterday, I texted a few friends to asked if anyone's available for dinner today. From colleagues whom I thought will never say no to food, to long time primary school friends (yes, can see how desperate I was looking for dinner company!), I found no one to oblige me. Everyone had some appointments or tasks of some sort scheduled on their advanced lives, I am so left behind...

Geez... I think it will get worse with age. There will be less people left who can spare the time...

Is this a little biz idea for a quaint little cafe called "Table for One"?

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The New Year

Every year, TS would drop cheeky Christmas jingles she'd compose in reply to my greetings. This year, it was sorely missed and I dropped her a text to ask howdy. A day after, she replied to tell of how stressed she was without all the nurses and assistants. All of them were coincidentally either out on planned or emergency leave for the week. Imagine the dentist taking queue number, rummaging for info cards, digging teeth with drills, and replying my text... I cannot quite imagine the picture, but I guess I can imagine the stress. WH also texted a day after Christmas with news of coming down with chicken pox over the festive season. It must have been dreadful.

The good thing is that his text this afternoon was more cheery, and he is anticipating himself to be up and out by the weekends. It has been a week, and I guess TS must have had her nurses and aides back by now...

Retrospectively, it did not seem a bad idea that the lousy experiences were bore over and left in 2009. It seems to make the step into the new year sweeter and more hopeful. Almost like how the financial market is inching towards a new high at the year's end. It seemed like a struggle, but it's pushing the heights. A stark contrast to the dumps it was in earlier in the year...

Earlier in December, I met up with E* for dinner, and he commented that I have not been updating the blog. Aside from having been caught by a little depression bug, being caught up with work and getting stressed over not being disciplined enough with my self-study, I have in reality, been logging in to read the updates of other people's blog entries. I was stumped in awe by the dazzlingly blissful lives people are living. As I surfed past my supposedly-dazzling 29th with sad realisation that I have lived the last (one year short of) three decades of my life without much sheen, I was tempted once again to whine and gripe. However, I am kinda resistance to jot another moan and groan.

Well, 2009 has not been life's best dream for me, but it has been pretty experiential, i guess. Minutes into the new year, I am still wondering what kind of road I am treading on, and what is in store for me.

A month or so ago, I was listening to some online sermon and was reminded that the God that I had vowed to put my trust in is a God who makes no mistakes (I mean, that is but of course la, if not, it would have been a mistake, isn't it? But I am that lousy, faithless little human..). And while I leaf through some wedding sheets and cards to help sis's friend find some appropriate wedding songs, I came across Terch's wedding invite many years ago inscribed with the beautiful quote saying "Life's coincidences are God's planned miracles". Faithless was I, but He was and is still in control. I guess these are little knock-knock-hellos on my head to look up and remember...

Entering into the new year, I am glad that I can count the little blessings that I have been bestowed with in the midst of the little storms and gales that I underwent through the year. The new friend I've made who would pray for me, the old-time friendships reconnected (Sab and Tuan who would hear my stories with no slightest impatience or criticism but words of encouragement) and rekindled (thanks, jeff for being able to be so frank and tell me straight in the face how ghor-tuck i am... appreciate the honesty, really!), and the old bulwarks who had stood by, being a constant company to the theatres, dinners, teas and chats (muacks, Hong!), and bearing my nonsenses - like obliging me in my long old grandmother's stories that finds no conclusion every once in a while and exploring unchartered territories for cakes and scenes! (thanks, E*! The evening was fun! Can we do that again? Heh..)

Yea, I had my share of depressive and abnormally imbalanced times, but i can't seem to remember what had exactly gone wrong. Yea.. talk of about selective amnesia... All that would come to mind now is how I have been kept on the look-out. Didn't sound too bad that the wretched past in 2009 can be left behind and I can step into the new 2010 on a better footing. Sure, I can do without some episodes and mistakes, but some things are like chickenpox, I guess - one just gotta get through and be over with it.

Glad that I can leave certain things in 2009, and I am contented for the willing instruments of blessings. It's another new year (arghh!! how time is flying by!), but I guess there are things that need no change... heh...

Eh... I meant more blessings... Heh... Toast to the new year! =)
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The (Occasional) Sunday Brunch partner

It's nice to have someone to do Sunday brunch with after too many weeks of turning into a perpetual hermit. I may not click with everyone on the street, but I do love being in good company. Sure, there have been litters of texts now and then, but there weren't always replies... With some people, I am still excited by face-to-face exchanges.

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I have lost count of the number of weeks we have not met and I wonder if it was because of this long absence, that it seemed the conversations needed more efforts to get going. The synergy was a tad retarded, and at some point, in intermittence. We were almost like awkward teenagers on first dates, not knowing what to expect and needing more time to respond (or was it just me?)... All the things I thought I would ask and tell through these weeks dissolved from my thought bubble just when I most needed them.

There even came an instance when silence ballooned for almost too long, and we were found literally staring at each other, eyeball to eyeball, under the dim brown lights across the oak brown table. For a while, it was awkwardly uncomfy. Then funnily, we smiled bigger at each other and broke the mute with a laugh. Consequently, one of us (can't remember who did, but probably not me though) mastered a question, releasing the paralyzing acupoints, and we went on again, idly chatting about work, old school-times and of things seen and heard.

Back in my solitude, that moment of silence replayed... I wonder why I was looked at like that and if I had missed any significance that was perhaps being transpired. Or perhaps, I am just imagining too much - as usual. Logic is awry here. I am befuddled. Can't quite figure a good conclusion of the event sequence. Ah well, don't try then, I guess. I will just be a faithful good Sunday brunch partner whenever hunger seizes and there are no other appointments in line....

Food was great at The Old Brown Shoe though, and chill ambience too, where we were seated. I walked out of the place and found myself smelling really nice from the refreshing flowery fragrances that they infused the air with. As was with our last two brunches (Simply Bread in Cluny Court and Kenny Rogers in Novena Square), I like the choice of food place by my (occasional) Sunday brunch partner.

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Blood Type A

*gulp*

Leading life too tough...

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The Rainbow Trimming

Finally found all the log-in information required to access the results today. Haven't been too optimistic and was in some kind of denial for the past period, so it was a pleasant surprise to be found cleared of all the papers I sat for.

Did not score the best grades, and could have done better if I had been in a better condition, I guess, but thankful nonetheless.

The last year had been tough. 2/3 of the fellow part-timers I used to hang out with are repeating the year. Well, that may not be a bad idea, considering that they have got a second chance to log a better score. But I'm grateful for being spared the pro-longed agony of having to overwork the adrenaline pump for that chance. Should keep excitement level down with age...

So now, it is only to sweat over that one paper i absented myself from.. that itself is going to be a test of discipline for the next 8 months since there will not be anymore paid scheduled classes...

Thanks to all the prayer support and encouraging words through those trying moments. They were colour lacings like rainbows over the dark and gloomy clouds. Do continue to keep me in prayers, friends!

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The Truce Within

It feels funny seeing someone I once had a liking for, walking past, turn around and wave. I smiled at him in acknowledgement and waved back like an old friend. Come to think about it, we didn’t know each other that well really – only that one dinner one evening almost five years ago…

I can't help, my eyes fixated on him and his girlfriend running in the rain, his hands sheltering her, as I stood alone under the grey shelter of the bus stop. It was a pretty sweet sight from where I was standing. Yet oddly, it must have been quite a contrast they will see if they had looked back. Thank God they didn't. The bus stop usually has more people, and the passageway more crowd at this time…

My heart let out a light sigh. Then uncontrollably, with my head down as they disappeared from sight, I managed to brace a smile at myself. There was a certain indescribable feeling welling within.

Sometimes, I have to think I am quite remarkable in some ways even though the world does not consider me. Well done to myself.

Imbalanced

CCF had Dr D Quek, psychiatrist from TTSH to give a medical talk on anxiety disorder this month. And he said people who have tendencies towards Obsessive Compulsive Behavior (aka perfectionist streak) make perfect workers. But are generally pie-mia (poor life) folks. Yes, that coming from a science person! Totally agree with him...

Won't say i am exactly a perfectionist, but why strive to be on time when the whole department only start appearing after 9am? Notwithstanding, they get to do their own stuff, capitalise on their own self-serving audacities, unabashedly make requests for privileges and (the most unfair thing!) get obliged. Their private lives seem great too.

An apparent fool am I, playing within the rules, trying to be understanding, living life on the edge... and yet finding myself edged out. Yes, the doc also mentioned that people who tend to sit too near the edge of their seats have higher likelihood of getting heart attacks. Really should stop being too hard on myself. Must consciously lean back, love myself more and not be too bothered about other people... perhaps then, life will be better...
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We have a system that increasingly taxes work and subsidizes non-work.
~ Milton Friedman ~
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Drifting by the Riverside

Got to dine and chill out along Riverside Point at Clarke Quay last evening with some work associates after work. Can't remember the last time I did this. Al fresco dining couldn't get better in Singapore with the balmy weather and accompanying Latin-Spanish flamenco tunes in the background... Although it can never beat that atmosphere at Pier 39 in San Francisco, it was good enough.


It was nice being able to bask in the crowd's hype, and yet be able to be detached from it. It need not matter that I was distracted from the table conversations from time to time (since there were others to keep up the conversation). I was grateful just to have company.

Better still is to be able to place my mind in the clouds and be transported away, whenever I don't feel like engaging. I wondered who's within the towering mall and offices at the other side of the river bank. Is there someone looking out as I gazed up at the full length windows? Will I be a silhouette familiar to someone overlooking from one of those bright openings? Or will I spot any somebody having dinner or working up there?

I guess it would be nicer if the company were people closer to my heart, with more intimate talks. But this wasn't bad as well. Whenever I withdrew a little too far off and too long to hazy muddle-land, I am thankful to E*'s thoughtful little gestures that would break the spell and pull me back to earth's ground....

Somehow, I think the evening had been a pleasure.


Just thinking.. perhaps I need a little more "available company" who would give a buzz anytime for a chill-out session as such... but I guess I am trapped at an age where everyone around just seemed so caught up in their own carousal, it would be too imposing to have me wander into their bubble. The irony of this is that I feel like the lone left-out kid totally lost in the busy world that is spinning by faster than I could turn my head...

Suddenly, I miss being in the presence of people who would sit around in mirth, unwind and enthrall me with stories of the world at large and narrating trivialities like how the idea of shampoo sachets came about... alright, alright, I think i am drifting... again....
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Men in White & their White Empathy

I have always been mesmerised by guys in white shirts. (eh.. not the ones with see-through material and visible ah-pek singlet lines though..) ... until i fell to my senses Wednesday morning en route to work.

Onto the hard tar ground I fell. Flat. My knees and knuckles scrapped with cuts and lacerations, along with a bruise on the chin. Biting the excruciating pain, and after spraying the open wounds with water lots, I went to see the doctor.

As he examined the cuts and expressed his empathy, he wet the gauze with antiseptic lotion, pressed it hard on the wound and gave it a good rough rub. OMG! *Almost fainted* All the words of empathy and saying that he understood the pain and stuff are but lip service. I actually believed him!

After the job, he tried to engage in an "academic discussion" (quote-and-unquote right from the horse's mouth) with me - to put two stitches over the wound so that the scar will have "caterpillar legs" or leave the open wound to heal on its own and have a scar (as it is).

It sounded like a silly discussion to engage in. I was only interested to know how he can stop the pain and the relentless bleeding. All I was told however, was that there is no magic and to leave the wound open to dry.

These people in white shirts - consultants or doctors alike - just love talking till the earth turns flat, but never giving indications and resolutions proper. Utterly incomprehensible. I should not harbour any hope on them... *bleah*

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Condition: Grouch

Yes, I have been on the downswing for the past few days.

Saw a colleague with her boyfriend yesterday, and i pretended not to see them. Not too sure if it is that I don't feel comfy with her bf's expressionless stone face, or that I am generally in a don't-feel-like-making-small-talks mood. Or just maybe, I really don’t feel like seeing yet another couple within my sight range (remember what they say about the grouchy old maids?).

I wish I could be more vivacious and bubbly. Live the time with more hope and energy... Or at the very least, feel more attractive. But it is taking increasing efforts to defy gravity and keep up the smiles. My hair is in some mess; no amount of combing seems to be able to tame them. The parting is wrong no matter how. My clothes looked ugly. And my skin awful too… I hate what I am seeing. Even my mind is not able to churn any useful words to hold any meaningful conversation. No news or gossips tantalize like they should. Everyone seemed to be getting on my nerves. I thought I just wanted to be hidden in my own corner, yet I hate that very thought... that of being ignored into non-existence..

And someone who talked about having to get comfy alone at this age, or the other who exalts life in so-called swinging independence set my eyeballs rolling in annoyance...

Ok, I confess. I am in the old maid's mood... *&#%*@
(i learnt that term from the k-serials.. geez... i think i should stop watching any more k-dramas...)

Hello, I'm Porc-ky.

I do not actually make extra efforts to get acquainted with new (some)bodies. With age, I know I am making less or no new friends, but I am making no effort to navigate through life otherwise. Yes, I am a social porcupine whose quills grow longer and sharper with age.

Am I socially dysfunctional? Have I been pulling anti-social antics subconsciously? Much as I'd like to think I am learning to be more forgiving, somehow, there will be people who pisses me off indefintely, and more others with whom I'd forever feel some negative vibes - I could feel dark clouds of awkwardness loom whenever they are near...

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Honestly, I have no inkling how friends are made. There is no direct formula or logical object flow that can be applied. Usually, I am pretty much “intuitively reactive”. For me, getting comfy with people is simply magic. Something I, myself cannot quite fathom.

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There are people who I naturally feel an affinity with and won't mind them venturing into my sphere of personal space bubble. Yet there are others with whom I am happy to keep my distance from.

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This week, I have been getting some texts that leaves me not knowing how best to react. I didn't want to be nasty. Neither am I in the mood to be friendly and entertain. My quills stood up. I did a naughty thing and pretended to miss the texts. (but there are genuine times when i really did forget to reply them!)

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Well, if all things fail, i might just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I'm Porc-ky..."

(alright, i admit, i'm a bad liar. I probably won't be able to do that... so please don't call me using some new numbers I never knew. You probably won't get through...)

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Men who left me perplexed

Was suppose to meet up with the "married men club" last week, and both guys offered to give me a ride... I was over-whelmed by the attention, albeit for the fact that they are all married men. Then I found out that there were some unhappiness over something so seemingly trivial and minor as just that.. gosh... how did things take a turn to such complications?

Met up with Tuan* on Thursday and she told me her surprise when her 84-year-old father-in-law still remembers and asks after me after all these years. Yes, I do adore the old man, but like Tuan*, I simply did not expect him to still remember me after such a long absence... i mean... it has been at least half a decade... perhaps XL* was right - I appeal to the old uncles and aunties... (and only them?)

Then there was a particular some other who would offer to drive me home, and ask me out for lunches (when he is hungry and has no plans for the afternoons)... Not appearing when he said he would (yet said he remembered, which is not consistent with his short memory...), and appearing when least expected (supposedly to be real busy), only to be in a rush to scoot off for yet another appointment, without much exchanges... and in seeming distraction and nonchalence... But why appear to start with then?

Am I supposed to read anything into that?

Ah well, I guess there are just too many things I don’t understand…

* shrug *

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It’s Okay to Leave a Little Room for Imperfections.

W.Ong* is one of the most remarkable amongst my friends. The charming old-skool all-rounder who did well academically, was a government scholar, and had a PhD under his name. But he was no geek. Talk to him about anything under the sun, the well read, well traveled and well-informed dude has all the information and (of course) his views. From the latest academic researches, to fashion, music, arts or techie stuffs, none would faze him….

He does sports (actually taught himself to play tennis just from reading!), does music (great tenor, and plays the piano & percussion), is able to carry himself appropriately at every right occasion, etc, etc. He is basically the lucky, talented chap whom anyone would wish his son could grow into.

From what I see, he had everything going great for him except for what I see as a little blemish (not that he cared): that he had to make do with sleeping with his wonder woman poster at age 40. (I mean… it’s probably still cool now, when one is still able and looking good. But I can’t quite imagine the sight when he turns age 80.)

I used to wonder if single hood was a lifestyle choice for him.

I never thought that I would meet another such character until I met WH*. After the rounds of interactions, I found a side of him that I couldn’t help but relate to W.Ong*. Though younger, WH* is the same privileged kid who gets to have the enviable exposures and talents, all under the right conditions. I was impressed just hearing him speak of his experiences (before it got a tad intimidating how some people just seems to have it all…) He was most certainly another perfectly eligible match for any girls smart and pretty. Given that I do see so many single ladies who so awed me, I wonder why he still is swinging single, and making do with seeking enjoyment in solitary activities.

I won’t say these guys are the ones closest to perfection on our measure-stick. But they sure are looking pretty impressive to me. They are the ones who were endowed with the skills to be jacks-of-all-trades, and managed to score reasonably well in each of them… There is just so little that would impress them unless you are a better master than them in any of the “trades” they already knew, or that you know some “trades” that they don’t.

Putting this down, I think I have found the reason why they are still single despite seemingly being so perfectly eligible. This, aside from that minute probability that they really are so down on their luck (like me) that they never meet any eligible “The Other”. That chance is minuscule since their path seemed to me to be all smooth and peppered with the best of luck… (I am just a deprived and struggling jack-of-little-trades... so, not comparable.)

Sometimes, having little gaps give space for another to fill and complement that imperfection. Things growing out of cracks may be a little prettier than what already seems like a smooth (near) perfection… Well, so just be contended with the little imperfections in the people around you. Having room for the little flaws gives another a chance to fill the void...
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Who am I? The Feckless Quizzes & their Spot-on Results...

The Kind of Singaporean Student I am:
Normal/Standard Student. Never thought I was anything out of the norm from day 1. Just happy to be un-noticed.

The Mathematical Function I am:

A sine. I can almost hear the oscilloscopes sneering me. There was a time when I really so hate to have to get that "perfect" waveform...

The Peanut Character I am:
Linus - Not unexpected. Pass me my Security Blanket. NOW! NOW! NOW!


The Kind of Wine I am:
Merlot - the medium tannins. I'd like to think I am a soft, fruity, smooth wine.

The (Disney) Prince who would appeal to me: Prince Philip. Hear ye! Any such brave gems around?

The Car that fits me the best:
My heart would skip a beat whenever i see a golf zap by, nevermind it is not silver/grey-coloured...
*sigh*

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