This is a tribute to the boyfriends whom God has kindly placed in my path when things are awry. Nothing romantic for all but one (I think) on the list are happily married men. But I love them - as much as I do my girlfriends. They may not read this, but I just thought it a good idea to pen (ok, key) down the thoughts and feelings that are going through me now.... The True Bro: Gus was among the first person to notice that i was in some kinds of dumps some time back, apart from my girlfriends whom I'd instinctively share rants and raves with (major or not). A little unexpected, but the constant and multiple texts and phone checks were like slated stilts of supports in the face of crumpling emotions.
He trusted me to get out of my dumps in a somehow accepting manner. There was no criticisms and no diversions when I vented. Nor was there any "standard" statements of comfort...
All there was were constant nudgings and full attention, his confidence... and of course some of his initiative ideas that I said thanks, but no to (haha)... The sincere genuineness had its therapeutic effect that helped me stand right back up in a way... Really love (not THAT kind of love) him for that...
The Chimney: My avenue to release. Oh yes, caught in the labryrinth of life's happenings, sometimes, all that is needed is some venting of all those gripes buried deep within and stenched with decompositions. The chimney is essential to carry off all the smog and soot, the grouses and questions.... My thanks to E* for listening to my grievances. There were loads and loads and loads of it, i guess, and i think i was not even quite finished yet... hahaha.
There were attempts to empathise and to share experiences. There were alternative perspectives.There he was, listening even when I don't even think I made any sense, and I was going in my rounds in circles through the night. Nonetheless, there was no impatience, no time limits, no cutting short. For that evening, the person who would sit beside has no TV to distract or snooze to catch up on, or work to complete. I do not believe that he doesn't have things he wanted or needed to catch up on, but I had the privilege of full attention. I was allowed to be seated alongside and go round and round and round (and many, many rounds) on my spins, coughing out the most insignificant grits.
Sometimes, all that is ever needed is someone who'd show some interest. It helped, perhaps, to be able to just be wilfully self-centred for that one moment, and have someone give me some undivided attention. It was emotionally intoxicating, I suppose and I appreciate it...
The Dreamer: ESim* has absolute no idea of what I was going through, or anything that is happening in my life for that matter. It all started with a pretty unexpected dream of his and an email without much content. From there spun exchanges of aspirations and ideals, dreams of desires..... Perhaps it was because he does not know me that well to the extend that there existed any presumptions that might hold back the sharing, or that he probably sees me as just a by-passer who will not judge him, hence, the open outpour of deep-seeded thoughts and perspectives, of failures and of pursuits.
There were sharings of laments... of being already caught where ideals conflict with practicalities and expectations. He too has his ideals (in other aspects), but he was caught on the bare cake with little icing. To expect fairytales to exist in practicality is a high order, he would say. Yet, even with that, he never cast my thoughts as impossibilities. Somehow, his messages had me find some lights of hope glimmers in his kind wish that my pursuit would be a different and fruitful one...
The Chaperon: It is scary to be alone too many a times. Perhaps I cannot bear being alone.. it makes me unsettled and scared. Or perhaps, I just needed to have someone to talk to as I journey... So I actually do appreciate the evenings when I have classes with ALow*, and someone would accompany me in the walk under the dark skies... along the dark roads. I need not be vigilant. I can afford to be careless. I can be in confidence that there is someone on the lookout for me, and pull me back onto the pathway when I stray to the road with oncoming traffic, or when I lose my balance. It just relaxes me....
(Oh yes, thanks to E* too for being the chaperon on one of the days last week too. The offer to carry my little "burden" and the company had me breathe a little easier under the starless night...)
The Angel Stranger: The first time we shook hands, "Angel..." was the first words he sprouted. No, I had not appeared to look like an angel. Apparently, he had just greeted some other person by the name Angeline before he turned my direction, and was probably having some synapses lapse. haha... Anyway, WH* is a stranger. Besides his name (which I hope I remembered correctly for my synapses do not just go on lapses, I suspect they are permanently demaged), I do not know him. He was just some random guy who happened to be sitting beside me for two consecutive sundays in a very big congregational church where different faces are greeted every week.
This sunday was a "prayer and praise" service. A new initiative by the church to give extended time to prayers and songs during the usual worship service. This is the second of such service this year, and having been to the first, I did not quite feel like going for another one. This is because the order of worship in these services will usually have a session called corporate prayer session where the leader would encourage people to pray with the person beside for a few minutes. Those minutes are a dread to me.
Half the time, I will be sandwiched between some lovey-dovey couples or families, feeling super-ultra marginalized. Otherwise, I will be sitting a few seats away from another singleton, acting anti-social. Why? Sometimes, i just don't know how to pray with someone whom I do not know... it somehow feels kinda superficial... or perhaps, i am just a little retard when warming up to people... and most times, if there is any singleton who would try to inch near, it will be some damsel-looking, dewy-eyed girls, expecting me to take intiatives (perhaps cos I look physically bigger.. haha). I guess i can if I want to, but I really do not feel like doing so most times. It just feels so unnecessarily superficial, I'd rather have some quiet time of my own. Ok, so I do know that i should stop being such an awkward porcupine, but.....
Such situations make me quite nervous really. I have even contemplated giving this sunday service a miss by telling myself that I have been to CCF on Saturday already. But well, I went nonetheless.
WH* came in a little late into the service, and took the empty seat beside me. We had a brush the week before when he sat (a seat away) beside me. Having had engaged in some small talks before, I can't say we are familar with each other, but at least, the initial ice had been broken.
When the pastor gave time (as expected) for corporate prayers, we managed to share some exchanges quickly. Both of us were probably not that comfy (singles are somewhat awkward creatures, I suppose), but I guess we take comfort to be able to talk to just another person like every others in the hall. He was sensitive to ask my comfort level, before asking on the things for myself that I'd want to pray for, and we comfortably settled on the group (I suggested) we pray for. There was no qualms too when I asked him to lead in the prayer. I was kinda glad that I can just let the man do it. (Haven't been able to do that for a long time!)
The prayer was natural and not intimidating (in the sense it was not "flowery" or with superfluous pious phrases. I think he prays very much like me, pretty simply, albeit a little better in his thought trend, so the minutes passed like a breeze). It simply covered my needs and his, plus the group that we had agreed to pray for - the GB/BB ministry... and the best thing was that he timed it so well..
When we ended, he lets on that he was in boy's brigade when he was in secondary school... ah.... don't I just love the BB boys.... (taller ones will be even better. hahah...)
A stranger he is, but an angel too. He had rescued me from the discomforts of that few minutes... Thank God!
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