The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart

Last Sunday's sermon topic was "A Season for Marriage". Even as I thought I'd probably be falling asleep over such a topic, the preacher has sensitively started the sermon with talks of how the singles should approach courtship and such. Okay... I've probably not been so touched by anyone worthy thus far, but who knows? It may become applicable one day... I think I've still got some charm, right? (I'd hope) Better straighten my back and listen well...

In the sermon, he mentioned something about the traits to look for in the search of the better half.

One of the traits he mentioned was that of self-sacrifice. He encouraged the single ladies to look out for the single guys who would later stay back after the service to help move the chairs (we are at a borrowed school compound currently, you see, so it is essential to be considerate and return the place in its original conditions after Sunday).

The interesting phenomenon that followed thus was unbelieveable: A lot more people than usual stayed back after the service to help move the chairs. There were so many people hanging around the hall that I have a bit of problem maneuvering my way out of the place. (I've never liked staying in crowds, you see...)

Anyway, I think these people have missed the whole point.

The actions of self-sacrifice should find its springhead from the heart, without any ulterior motives to gains of anything in particular. The heart of the matter is really, the matter of the heart. It is really not what one does at that instance to prove anyone anything. Fact is, I never believed in proving anyone anything. Whatever one does, it should be because he/she really think he'd want to do it. Else, one may turn grossly disappointed or bitter because an un-met expectation was involved.

A good friend had a huge crush over a colleague some time back. That experience kinda weighed her down a lot then. Along the way, she realised however, that there was yet another colleague who is always patiently listening to her, and admolishing her at other times, but out of genuine concern and care. I believe it was this relentless TLC that made her go kinda "warm and fuzzy" (quoting her today *wink*) inside over time.

No. It's not easy at all. Human being humans, we are more self-centred than we'd like to think we are. More oft, we have our own little hidden agendas when we make efforts to execute what seemed a good deed. But how long can it persist?

That is why I am sometimes very put off by people who sashay around in the holy-joe garb. Everything that was done just have a double wham of negative vibes cos they were never that convinced of doing it. Weird how I do get pretty sensitive about such negative vibes... hah!

It is the works that spring from the commitment and motivation of lifting another person up that can stand through circumstances and time. What comes in return will be a gift in itself, sweeter than if hoped for or expected, I suppose....

Perhaps, I really do have a pretty high expectation on people, but please, there really is not need to crowd the hall if anyone is not really convinced of the obligations....

Saying Adieu....

We said adieu to a fellow colleague who had possibly found her better pastures on Friday. I say "possibly" cos she had not divulged much on her plans after leaving the company. Well, that said, it does seem that we ain't that THAT close actually. Afterall, I do not liaise with her a lot at work, if at all.

However, I still feel a tinge of down-heartedness bidding her farewell.. Recent months, we have been spending much time together as a group out of work, going out on dinners & gathering for activities. Though we do not express it that freely, an unspoken attachment and affinity had somehow been built with the clique over the after-lunch idle chats and playful squabbles. Detaching it suddenly just doesn't makes one feel that great.

At my last visit to my counterpart office in Penang, I was uncannily weighed by some sort of power struggle there. and boy... I was not even suppose to be a part of them! Aren't I glad hence, when it's time to pack my bag and move back after a dreadful two days being caught in scary struggles behind masking smiles. I do not think I can deal with those any longer than that.

Back home, I guess I can place things on the table, and not be caught in any suspicion that people have any ulterior plans to cause me distress. Ermmm... okay, maybe it's not right to be too definite about it, but well, so long I do not know anything otherwise, I guess I am fine...

Take Thursday for example. I was out with a group of fellow colleagues for a tom-yam lunch. As I have never fancied taking rice for lunches, I conveniently rejected the offer to the order, not suspecting that there is no substitute to go with the spice. When the orders came, I've got one colleague who picked up an empty bowl and extra cutlery for me, while another offered some servings of his rice for me.... all without the need for any nudges. Though we kinda laughed it off there and then, I was very much warmed deep inside by their thoughtfulness that had been concretely translated into actions. Being in a place with these people gives me great comfort and I think I am growing pretty attached to such a blessing.

Anyway, back to saying farewell....

Yes, 天下無不散宴席 - no banquets last forever - but it is still difficult to say aye to shifts. Especially so to people whom I've grown to be comfortable with. Haiz... saying goodbyes to familiarities is often to me, like bathos from sublime to a certain extent... Somehow, I will be plagued by a well of emotions and thoughts in such dreaded episodes. Nonetheless, exoduses are oft inevitable and learning to let go is a lesson to start practicing on.

Here's hoping that my colleague dearest will take care and do well in her future endeavors!
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Sleep, Sleep Galore

Haven't blog for almost 3 weeks... Some people thinks it may be a good sign cos that probably means that I've got little to rant about. But I think that's cos I've been a little too caught up with everyday activities, I'm having problem thinking... Most times, I am going through life's motion in a zombed mode.

Much as I do feel that driving oneself too hard is kinda unhealthy sometimes, there are more times when I feel really jittery when I don't check my emails or get on with the tasks sent through the wires.. can't let go.... and can't help but just had to on The Notebook even when home. Before I knew it, I am throwing in more freebies hours to my employer than they bargained for.

I am not particular about it. Afterall, I guess I am still young and can afford a little sacrifice. However, there are times when I feel my thoughts stifled (sounds like good thing that I can still feel... hmmm...) Wonder if it's just me or do people have such experiences too. Problem thinking and thus feeling sometimes... everything just seemed at some instances, mechanical to a certain extent.

To put a stop to this, I refrained from hovering near The Notebook the whole of the Saturday afternoon (save for the routine mail check in the early afternoon... yes, still can't let go...). Still, that required some effort... I think I have developed an addiction to The Notebook...

Spent the Saturday afternoon lazing around, reading the papers and bimbo magazines... Sunday afternoon was spent having sleep, sleep galore. Boy, I didn't know I was feeling so worn out until I had difficulties climbing out of bed after my long coverted nap.

I've been quite a sleepy-head since young. More so do I appreciate the goodness of sleep. Really. Being deprived of it, robs me of my ability to cogitate. I will hence resolve to kick my baneful addictions and get to have more sleep! Say Hurray to more SLEEP!
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Losing the cool....

Friday, the 18th -

Started off pretty well... I mean... well, Fridays are, afterall, supposedly the most looked-forward-to day.

However, this friday was spoilt by a meeting that refused to let me retreat from the day in peace. Well, I have nothing against long meetings, really. If the objectives are met, and the duties duly executed to ensure peace in the future, what's the harm of a little current sacrifice? Where I work, most people are gripped by a hard-boiled drive that few can rival. (ahem.... :p ) That is probably one of the reason why I think I really loved working with them.

Nonetheless, things are never ideal, and not everyone shares my sentiments. I guess I've got a little perfectionist freak in me that sometime overwhelms me against such people. This freak is intolerant, overbearing, impatient, and always refuses to take things a little easier. That's it! It just cause me to lose it..... and let control slip....

This is what happened:

We were having a little conference room pilot (aka CRP) on a new system change that is to be implemented. As always, there were imperfections. (Although I still cannot bring myself to buy that, this is supposedly perfectly normal and acceptable according to the MIS people.)

The exercise was held over two continents, with representatives from our counterparts overseas and in Singapore.

After being plagued by the numerous problems in the current database, I am actually pretty excited at the thought of a new system. One that will allow us to start on a clean, new slate. Lo and behold, however, I soon realised in the tests that similar (if not, worse) problems exist. The whole idea of having a session like CRP is to perform tests and ensure the program works to its perfection at least in the expected scenerios. Thing is, people are not willing to put high enough priorities on perfecting it.

Sure, some problems are apparent no show-stoppers at present. But have we not learnt from experience? The no-show-stoppers today often becomes the out-of-sync actors tomorrow that ruin the whole show... all because of the refusal to see the implications that come together with it so as to make the program look like a success. Even though the implications were an acknowledged fact, lines were drawn and situations contained to conveniently exclude them. To me, that defeats the whole objective of the CRP exercise to start with.

There came a point where there was yet another intent to walk over a problem with supposed walk-arounds that a fellow colleague found, based on a specific situation she encountered. Being an active user of the current system, and having been in numerous problem-solving sessions on the system, though I can't say that I know the system in its totality, I dare say however, that I am more familiar with the system implications than any of my team-mates. With that, I have my concerns on deciding walk-arounds based on a singular encounter that is not proven logically consistent. I did not think I should downplay anybody's finding and sought to try explaining or getting an explanation offline. I thought then as a sign of respect, I should obtain a consensus and better understanding internally first before presenting the case to the mass.

What I got instead was accusations that I have not read the log of the situation encountered. My team mate got grossly irritated, and voices were raised. I felt intensely wronged (and equally annoyed too) since I'd really thought I understood perfectly what happened. As I tried fighting my case, I found myself disabled of presenting my case eloquently. Fact is, my thought trend got disturbed in the turbulence and I subconsciously raised my voice over hers to push the thoughts... I started to make little sense, I suspect, and my image totally tarnished at that instance. All under the scrutiny of the colleagues from the other departments. Worse - point was not put acrossed... I was disrupted over and again and the point simply vanished.

As I finally cloistered out to try do a quick collection, she left under the approval of my boss, who was probably pretty bewildered at his two screaming bull-heads... It was only when I felt a sore in my throat later, did it dawn upon me that I've probably overdid it. When I apologised to boss thereafter for putting him at a spot, he gave me a lesson or two for not being able to handle the situation well enough...

I've to admit then that I've been too careless. An observer of the incident expounded later that none of us had allowed to let each complete our sentences and we simply jumped at each other. I just thought on hindsight that the circumstance then was simply too stressful for me to handle.

Indeed, I have failed to contain the scene and it was a failure on my end. Perhaps it is that mis-fitted prig in me that is acting, but after multiple reasonings within, I still cannot fault my point. Even after some tests, I'd still found my arguement proven valid. If only I can douse the fire and present my case across rightly and quickly enough then, instead of getting myself fuelled in the fiery exchanges....

With this, it seemed to suggest that I am a loser in garnering support of the people around. My initial gut that I was working with a group of people sharing the same drive is perhaps unfounded... I am even starting to have an uncanny suspicion that there are people there who hates me to the core. Whatever....

Well, best as I might try, but I guess life's like that... I can't always meet all the people I like and who will all like me....

How am I to present myself to these people then?
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I write.... An Exposé?

It seemed exposés are in these weeks. Stomp had the week's topic "I confess" running for two weekends now. I'd expected that the paid bloggers will spill guts, but well, behind the apparent candour, everyone still had nothing very intriguing to confess. That probably explains why the week's (note: not weeks') topic had to go on running...

I'd hence decided to write my own little confession. An exposé of some sort. But not exactly too. It's the means that justify the end, and I am putting this in writing, not so much to bore, but to discover myself...

People walk in and out through the last quarter century of my life, and I must say I really appreciate the chances we had to have the brushes... It's through the exchanges I pick up lessons, and sometimes, learn more about myself.... Well, as a book title say, "As Iron Sharpens Iron, One Man sharpens Another".... That's true to an extent.

Had an opportunity last Tuesday to have a little talk with EKH. Okay.. i'd confess it was kick-started by a miscommunication and a little confrontation.... this is one of the few exceptional cases where I allow a hearing. Other times, I might have condemned without trial. I've always thought a loose word here and a careless whisper there is the most candid manifestation of a person's thoughts... Ermm... right, that did not sound very pleasant, but well, in any case, I'm glad the incident did not lead to any catastrophe...

I've always kinda enjoyed talking to EKH. (yes, yes, if you are reading this, this is not to inflate your ego. It's true.) Half the time, I find myself picking a lesson or two from a more savvy senior. As he realise his dream of being a psychologist-counsellor on the people he meets, he took time expounding on the kind of person I am after the exchange... He confirmed the retarded neurontransmitter patterns that exist in my being. The consolation according to him, is that when I articulate my thoughts in writing, the slow neurons will steadily fall into place and rationalised reasons will steer my thoughts towards a stubborn belief that things are never as bad as it always seem. With that, he urged me to try analysing the whole incident again - probably in hope to prove him innocent of the insult I'd initially thought he had thrusted on me.

Well, my anger was quelled after the talk. Let's just say I've got to give him some credit for taking time to humor my little insecure soul with what seemed sincere and sensible enough talks. However, I was not about to be taken in by everything he says. The impulse connections in my brain may have a little more seams than the others, and synapses may be retarded (that, I acknowledge), but I'd still like to do my own review.

Hence, I came back, and had a little recap on my blog entries to ascertain the pattern he concluded. It was not so much as to prove his innocence or such, since I am no longer too upset about what happened (yea... so much for being fickle sometimes... but if it's for betterment, why not?), but I am curious to know if I am truly what he perceives of me - the tough and headstrong gal.

And so it goes, after chewing on my blog entries, I found it's kinda true that I often register a neutral, if not sometimes, positive note to end my entries. (That which he observed.) But in retrospect, I guess it is not so much as that I have that perservering and adamant spirit. On the contrary, it's just my way of attempting to convince myself that if I'd keep on believing even when situations may be a grieve, all things will eventually go well...

I'd confess hence that I am not as unyielding as anyone may have perceived me to be. I still do have my doubts and my anxieties.To end each episode with a positive note is my way to assuage distresses and spur myself on with self-encouraging words. Let's face it, it's not everyday I get to meet people who would care less, much less be perspicacious and be empathetic about how I feel. If I'd wait around for such people to appear, I would probably have spiralled down the multiple dungeons of depression, never to resurface again....

Whatever... Just as I fault people for not being sensitive to me, I guess I've been pretty careless with other's emotional needs as well. With this, I've learnt a lesson thus....

In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream of your wish
Will come true...

~~ Jerry Livingston~~

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Meeting up with the galfriends...

An initiative. A few sms-es. And *phoof!* a meet-up was arranged and realised. We have been talking about doing this for some time (not quite as long as the one that Vick and CJ wanted to plan for the class though)... anyway, yah, Kong managed to get us all out for dinner on Friday evening.

Really appreciate everyone's effort. I mean, I can see everyone's really tired after a whole week and day's work, but we still made it to meet up.

Chew was being harassed by students over the phone even through the dinner. (yes, not easy being a teacher nowadays). Tan has her floor plans in her folder she had in her arms. (Bet she has got unfinished work.) And Myself? I have been so busy during the week, sometimes only sleeping near dawn, that I haven't been really able to get round replying Hong's texts all the time (sorry about that!). Everyone's has their own set of distractions vying for their attention. Nonetheless, we've made it! Ermm... I was utterly late though... (well, at least, I've made the effort to put aside unfinished work and made it to leave the office...)

Everyone's still every much the same.... It's quite a delight to find everyone still untainted and as guileless as before. It was just great! Tan thinks we looked every much the same, while Hong begs to differ with mentions that we are probably prettier. Haha.... see, even our conversation topics are still so innocuous.. and Kong, still as animated, has her kawaii image kept pretty well even though we are all past quarter-life... It was a little different from meeting up with the secondary school friends where they simply talk about boyfriends' names, jobs and whatnots...

Hmmm..., perhaps that's cos we've already known Chew's bf for some time, and Kong is already so familiar with him, that she's planning ways to sabo him on their wedding day when it comes... and the others? we've got no boyfriends to compare at the moment... well, I guess, even when the time comes when we each meet our better halves, there is unlikely to be much of those unhealthy comparisons...

In retrospect, it was an unexplanable affinity that brought us together when we were students, and I am glad that we have not taken it too much for granted and have kept up at it all these while.... Thank you for your time, people, it was great meeting up with you!
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I ain't supergirl, but I will still make things work even if there ain't chivalrous men around.

There is this thing about Singaporean men that is a tad annoying. Can't quite blame me that I find few men impressive, really. There is just a lack of graciousness and chivalry in them...

Was at a meeting on Wednesday, and as I tucked and pulled the screen to gain access to the whiteboard behind it, I had a whole group of guys seated behind, arms crossed and slumped on the chair, looking on. And just as ting2 chided the guys for not helping, guess what I heard?
"No need lar... she's a 女強人... she can do it one..."

No, yours truly is no supergirl. I will make things work because I have to somehow since I've got no help. But that is not the point. That was just a typical manifestation of how our boys are being brought up: utter insolence...

tsk...tsk... whatever.... I still did manage to pull the screen up all by myself... it just took a mere more effort...
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For the Sun will rise, and the Moon will set. Learn how to settle for what you get...

@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@

Some people like to think they'd want to be alone - I'd sometimes too.
Dishevels occur when lives are met, and destinies intertwined.
True, humans are no blameless breed,
But good things can happen from the meet.
For how it sets,
Lies much on how we settle for what we get.

@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@~#~@

Let me be the oddball in my little corner

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

I just can't stand people who sit beside me and start offering sweets and irrelevant small talks during church services. Fact is, I get totally uncomfy with strangers who try to get too near at the wrong time. Thank you, but I think I'd appreciate more concentration and time of reflections on my own... am I weird? am I odd?

Oh yes... maybe... let me be odd then. Let me be weird. But please spare me, for I'd prefer to be left in my little quaint corner sometimes....

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A Feel-Good Thursday Evening

Since boss was out, and a vendor came in from overseas, I roped in a few people from the engineering team to join at dinner on Thurs evening. Contrary to what Hong always complain about her male engineering colleagues being insensitive to her as a lady in their midst, I am glad I have a team of really, really nice and chivalrous colleagues.

Going out with them, I just had to be seated in the car, not needing to worry about the stressful traffic conditions outside or the route to go, knowing that I will be in safe hands. I do not even have to worry about having no conversational topics, because they will have things to say to occupy the time. Over dinner, I was served attentively, even to the extent of having my prawns & crayfish peeled. (Although I do suspect it was because my colleague didn’t want his face splashed with more tomato gravy from the clumsy me…)

Nonetheless, I was made to feel a little pampered.

Well, if you’d think there’s any hidden agenda, you’d be terribly wrong cos they are all happily attached men. (ok… perhaps except for one whose status I am unsure of…but that is not the point...) In any case, that’s probably why they are happily attached in the first place!

I guess girls do need to feel like that, even if it was just a Cinderella experience. Look guys! See how your little acts of attentiveness can do so much! But hey, on the other side, it seemed that E* has raised the bar on my ideal!
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