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Too empty a long weekend...

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Men in White & their White Empathy

I have always been mesmerised by guys in white shirts. (eh.. not the ones with see-through material and visible ah-pek singlet lines though..) ... until i fell to my senses Wednesday morning en route to work.

Onto the hard tar ground I fell. Flat. My knees and knuckles scrapped with cuts and lacerations, along with a bruise on the chin. Biting the excruciating pain, and after spraying the open wounds with water lots, I went to see the doctor.

As he examined the cuts and expressed his empathy, he wet the gauze with antiseptic lotion, pressed it hard on the wound and gave it a good rough rub. OMG! *Almost fainted* All the words of empathy and saying that he understood the pain and stuff are but lip service. I actually believed him!

After the job, he tried to engage in an "academic discussion" (quote-and-unquote right from the horse's mouth) with me - to put two stitches over the wound so that the scar will have "caterpillar legs" or leave the open wound to heal on its own and have a scar (as it is).

It sounded like a silly discussion to engage in. I was only interested to know how he can stop the pain and the relentless bleeding. All I was told however, was that there is no magic and to leave the wound open to dry.

These people in white shirts - consultants or doctors alike - just love talking till the earth turns flat, but never giving indications and resolutions proper. Utterly incomprehensible. I should not harbour any hope on them... *bleah*

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Condition: Grouch

Yes, I have been on the downswing for the past few days.

Saw a colleague with her boyfriend yesterday, and i pretended not to see them. Not too sure if it is that I don't feel comfy with her bf's expressionless stone face, or that I am generally in a don't-feel-like-making-small-talks mood. Or just maybe, I really don’t feel like seeing yet another couple within my sight range (remember what they say about the grouchy old maids?).

I wish I could be more vivacious and bubbly. Live the time with more hope and energy... Or at the very least, feel more attractive. But it is taking increasing efforts to defy gravity and keep up the smiles. My hair is in some mess; no amount of combing seems to be able to tame them. The parting is wrong no matter how. My clothes looked ugly. And my skin awful too… I hate what I am seeing. Even my mind is not able to churn any useful words to hold any meaningful conversation. No news or gossips tantalize like they should. Everyone seemed to be getting on my nerves. I thought I just wanted to be hidden in my own corner, yet I hate that very thought... that of being ignored into non-existence..

And someone who talked about having to get comfy alone at this age, or the other who exalts life in so-called swinging independence set my eyeballs rolling in annoyance...

Ok, I confess. I am in the old maid's mood... *&#%*@
(i learnt that term from the k-serials.. geez... i think i should stop watching any more k-dramas...)

Hello, I'm Porc-ky.

I do not actually make extra efforts to get acquainted with new (some)bodies. With age, I know I am making less or no new friends, but I am making no effort to navigate through life otherwise. Yes, I am a social porcupine whose quills grow longer and sharper with age.

Am I socially dysfunctional? Have I been pulling anti-social antics subconsciously? Much as I'd like to think I am learning to be more forgiving, somehow, there will be people who pisses me off indefintely, and more others with whom I'd forever feel some negative vibes - I could feel dark clouds of awkwardness loom whenever they are near...

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Honestly, I have no inkling how friends are made. There is no direct formula or logical object flow that can be applied. Usually, I am pretty much “intuitively reactive”. For me, getting comfy with people is simply magic. Something I, myself cannot quite fathom.

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There are people who I naturally feel an affinity with and won't mind them venturing into my sphere of personal space bubble. Yet there are others with whom I am happy to keep my distance from.

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This week, I have been getting some texts that leaves me not knowing how best to react. I didn't want to be nasty. Neither am I in the mood to be friendly and entertain. My quills stood up. I did a naughty thing and pretended to miss the texts. (but there are genuine times when i really did forget to reply them!)

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Well, if all things fail, i might just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I'm Porc-ky..."

(alright, i admit, i'm a bad liar. I probably won't be able to do that... so please don't call me using some new numbers I never knew. You probably won't get through...)

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Men who left me perplexed

Was suppose to meet up with the "married men club" last week, and both guys offered to give me a ride... I was over-whelmed by the attention, albeit for the fact that they are all married men. Then I found out that there were some unhappiness over something so seemingly trivial and minor as just that.. gosh... how did things take a turn to such complications?

Met up with Tuan* on Thursday and she told me her surprise when her 84-year-old father-in-law still remembers and asks after me after all these years. Yes, I do adore the old man, but like Tuan*, I simply did not expect him to still remember me after such a long absence... i mean... it has been at least half a decade... perhaps XL* was right - I appeal to the old uncles and aunties... (and only them?)

Then there was a particular some other who would offer to drive me home, and ask me out for lunches (when he is hungry and has no plans for the afternoons)... Not appearing when he said he would (yet said he remembered, which is not consistent with his short memory...), and appearing when least expected (supposedly to be real busy), only to be in a rush to scoot off for yet another appointment, without much exchanges... and in seeming distraction and nonchalence... But why appear to start with then?

Am I supposed to read anything into that?

Ah well, I guess there are just too many things I don’t understand…

* shrug *

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It’s Okay to Leave a Little Room for Imperfections.

W.Ong* is one of the most remarkable amongst my friends. The charming old-skool all-rounder who did well academically, was a government scholar, and had a PhD under his name. But he was no geek. Talk to him about anything under the sun, the well read, well traveled and well-informed dude has all the information and (of course) his views. From the latest academic researches, to fashion, music, arts or techie stuffs, none would faze him….

He does sports (actually taught himself to play tennis just from reading!), does music (great tenor, and plays the piano & percussion), is able to carry himself appropriately at every right occasion, etc, etc. He is basically the lucky, talented chap whom anyone would wish his son could grow into.

From what I see, he had everything going great for him except for what I see as a little blemish (not that he cared): that he had to make do with sleeping with his wonder woman poster at age 40. (I mean… it’s probably still cool now, when one is still able and looking good. But I can’t quite imagine the sight when he turns age 80.)

I used to wonder if single hood was a lifestyle choice for him.

I never thought that I would meet another such character until I met WH*. After the rounds of interactions, I found a side of him that I couldn’t help but relate to W.Ong*. Though younger, WH* is the same privileged kid who gets to have the enviable exposures and talents, all under the right conditions. I was impressed just hearing him speak of his experiences (before it got a tad intimidating how some people just seems to have it all…) He was most certainly another perfectly eligible match for any girls smart and pretty. Given that I do see so many single ladies who so awed me, I wonder why he still is swinging single, and making do with seeking enjoyment in solitary activities.

I won’t say these guys are the ones closest to perfection on our measure-stick. But they sure are looking pretty impressive to me. They are the ones who were endowed with the skills to be jacks-of-all-trades, and managed to score reasonably well in each of them… There is just so little that would impress them unless you are a better master than them in any of the “trades” they already knew, or that you know some “trades” that they don’t.

Putting this down, I think I have found the reason why they are still single despite seemingly being so perfectly eligible. This, aside from that minute probability that they really are so down on their luck (like me) that they never meet any eligible “The Other”. That chance is minuscule since their path seemed to me to be all smooth and peppered with the best of luck… (I am just a deprived and struggling jack-of-little-trades... so, not comparable.)

Sometimes, having little gaps give space for another to fill and complement that imperfection. Things growing out of cracks may be a little prettier than what already seems like a smooth (near) perfection… Well, so just be contended with the little imperfections in the people around you. Having room for the little flaws gives another a chance to fill the void...
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Who am I? The Feckless Quizzes & their Spot-on Results...

The Kind of Singaporean Student I am:
Normal/Standard Student. Never thought I was anything out of the norm from day 1. Just happy to be un-noticed.

The Mathematical Function I am:

A sine. I can almost hear the oscilloscopes sneering me. There was a time when I really so hate to have to get that "perfect" waveform...

The Peanut Character I am:
Linus - Not unexpected. Pass me my Security Blanket. NOW! NOW! NOW!


The Kind of Wine I am:
Merlot - the medium tannins. I'd like to think I am a soft, fruity, smooth wine.

The (Disney) Prince who would appeal to me: Prince Philip. Hear ye! Any such brave gems around?

The Car that fits me the best:
My heart would skip a beat whenever i see a golf zap by, nevermind it is not silver/grey-coloured...
*sigh*

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Awkwardly Self-conscious

Shopped the stretch from Isetan Scotts down to PS earlier in the afternoon in less than 2 hours' time. Shopping alone spoils all mood. Little wonder why it was said that shopping alone would avoid over-spending. Even as the sales signs beckoned, and I pass by the yummi-licous looking gelare parlor, nothing looked the least enticing enough to have me stop to indulge in anything alone. Perhaps, indulgence has to come with good company.

While at Paragon, the house of the upmarket and sophisticated shopping podium, I saw a yuppie at Bakerzin sipping his coffee and munching his sandwich, absorbed in a magazine, appearing totally at ease alone and indifferent to the crowd. I wish i could be equally cool, though I can't help but wonder if the appearance was really so, or if the magazine onhand was any disguise...

Being alone in a crowd makes me awkwardly self-conscious. I feel no anchor and it makes me spiritless. There was this queer feeling, and I was spooked by a unspoken dread. Oh boy, this is never what I had imagined life to be at this age....
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Little Reminder for Me-self

Take a break, have a cuppa with a muffin, and fly again.

True, I've been caught in a series of lousy tempest storms the past period. The paint peeling, my esteem seriously bruised. Nonetheless, I am thankful for the wonderful people who had been rallying around.

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A nice colleague kept me in thoughts when she sets out to buy "Singapore's best muffin". There were only two muffins in LK*'s doggie bag when she came back - one for me, and another for herself. It was nothing extraordinarily expensive or perhaps apparently effortless, but the thought spoke volume.

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The angel stranger wrote in his last email after my final paper: "will continue to keep you in thought and prayer." Though I am half-skeptical that it's probably sales talk, but still, those words gave comfort in a peculiar way. Somehow, he has got his way of making bleakness sound more encouraging than it really feels in the content of his mail, while placing in a perspective that cannot be accused as untrue. I wish I can be half as encouraging to another person too...

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Hong was the first to date me right after my papers - true to her promise that she will have time for me. We had a great weekend. Shopping, dinner and tea. (yea, it was in that order) There was also a little gift from her honeymoon trip. It was a pleasure just being in good company and chilling out.

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Despite my wallowing in self-pity, the world continues to spin.

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Even as I feel like hiding in a cave, not wanting evermore to see light or to take flight, God has placed people around me seemingly forming a draught under my wings. It tells me I've gotta get out of the dark dumps and glide again. That itself, is reason compelling enough to brave into the fresh gale once again. It is just so unfair that their efforts should come to naught.

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Well, I'm still uncertain if I might fall again. Not sure too if I'll be caught again should I fall. I am also unsure if I might even shatter my bones should there be a next time. (yes, that's the woes of the one with such little faith) But at least soldiering on gives me chips to bet on. Hiding in the cave gave me none at all. It will only have me wither away in the dark.

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So well, buckle up now and let's fly on.

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