Hello, I'm Porc-ky.

I do not actually make extra efforts to get acquainted with new (some)bodies. With age, I know I am making less or no new friends, but I am making no effort to navigate through life otherwise. Yes, I am a social porcupine whose quills grow longer and sharper with age.

Am I socially dysfunctional? Have I been pulling anti-social antics subconsciously? Much as I'd like to think I am learning to be more forgiving, somehow, there will be people who pisses me off indefintely, and more others with whom I'd forever feel some negative vibes - I could feel dark clouds of awkwardness loom whenever they are near...

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Honestly, I have no inkling how friends are made. There is no direct formula or logical object flow that can be applied. Usually, I am pretty much “intuitively reactive”. For me, getting comfy with people is simply magic. Something I, myself cannot quite fathom.

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There are people who I naturally feel an affinity with and won't mind them venturing into my sphere of personal space bubble. Yet there are others with whom I am happy to keep my distance from.

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This week, I have been getting some texts that leaves me not knowing how best to react. I didn't want to be nasty. Neither am I in the mood to be friendly and entertain. My quills stood up. I did a naughty thing and pretended to miss the texts. (but there are genuine times when i really did forget to reply them!)

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Well, if all things fail, i might just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I'm Porc-ky..."

(alright, i admit, i'm a bad liar. I probably won't be able to do that... so please don't call me using some new numbers I never knew. You probably won't get through...)

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Men who left me perplexed

Was suppose to meet up with the "married men club" last week, and both guys offered to give me a ride... I was over-whelmed by the attention, albeit for the fact that they are all married men. Then I found out that there were some unhappiness over something so seemingly trivial and minor as just that.. gosh... how did things take a turn to such complications?

Met up with Tuan* on Thursday and she told me her surprise when her 84-year-old father-in-law still remembers and asks after me after all these years. Yes, I do adore the old man, but like Tuan*, I simply did not expect him to still remember me after such a long absence... i mean... it has been at least half a decade... perhaps XL* was right - I appeal to the old uncles and aunties... (and only them?)

Then there was a particular some other who would offer to drive me home, and ask me out for lunches (when he is hungry and has no plans for the afternoons)... Not appearing when he said he would (yet said he remembered, which is not consistent with his short memory...), and appearing when least expected (supposedly to be real busy), only to be in a rush to scoot off for yet another appointment, without much exchanges... and in seeming distraction and nonchalence... But why appear to start with then?

Am I supposed to read anything into that?

Ah well, I guess there are just too many things I don’t understand…

* shrug *

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It’s Okay to Leave a Little Room for Imperfections.

W.Ong* is one of the most remarkable amongst my friends. The charming old-skool all-rounder who did well academically, was a government scholar, and had a PhD under his name. But he was no geek. Talk to him about anything under the sun, the well read, well traveled and well-informed dude has all the information and (of course) his views. From the latest academic researches, to fashion, music, arts or techie stuffs, none would faze him….

He does sports (actually taught himself to play tennis just from reading!), does music (great tenor, and plays the piano & percussion), is able to carry himself appropriately at every right occasion, etc, etc. He is basically the lucky, talented chap whom anyone would wish his son could grow into.

From what I see, he had everything going great for him except for what I see as a little blemish (not that he cared): that he had to make do with sleeping with his wonder woman poster at age 40. (I mean… it’s probably still cool now, when one is still able and looking good. But I can’t quite imagine the sight when he turns age 80.)

I used to wonder if single hood was a lifestyle choice for him.

I never thought that I would meet another such character until I met WH*. After the rounds of interactions, I found a side of him that I couldn’t help but relate to W.Ong*. Though younger, WH* is the same privileged kid who gets to have the enviable exposures and talents, all under the right conditions. I was impressed just hearing him speak of his experiences (before it got a tad intimidating how some people just seems to have it all…) He was most certainly another perfectly eligible match for any girls smart and pretty. Given that I do see so many single ladies who so awed me, I wonder why he still is swinging single, and making do with seeking enjoyment in solitary activities.

I won’t say these guys are the ones closest to perfection on our measure-stick. But they sure are looking pretty impressive to me. They are the ones who were endowed with the skills to be jacks-of-all-trades, and managed to score reasonably well in each of them… There is just so little that would impress them unless you are a better master than them in any of the “trades” they already knew, or that you know some “trades” that they don’t.

Putting this down, I think I have found the reason why they are still single despite seemingly being so perfectly eligible. This, aside from that minute probability that they really are so down on their luck (like me) that they never meet any eligible “The Other”. That chance is minuscule since their path seemed to me to be all smooth and peppered with the best of luck… (I am just a deprived and struggling jack-of-little-trades... so, not comparable.)

Sometimes, having little gaps give space for another to fill and complement that imperfection. Things growing out of cracks may be a little prettier than what already seems like a smooth (near) perfection… Well, so just be contended with the little imperfections in the people around you. Having room for the little flaws gives another a chance to fill the void...
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Who am I? The Feckless Quizzes & their Spot-on Results...

The Kind of Singaporean Student I am:
Normal/Standard Student. Never thought I was anything out of the norm from day 1. Just happy to be un-noticed.

The Mathematical Function I am:

A sine. I can almost hear the oscilloscopes sneering me. There was a time when I really so hate to have to get that "perfect" waveform...

The Peanut Character I am:
Linus - Not unexpected. Pass me my Security Blanket. NOW! NOW! NOW!


The Kind of Wine I am:
Merlot - the medium tannins. I'd like to think I am a soft, fruity, smooth wine.

The (Disney) Prince who would appeal to me: Prince Philip. Hear ye! Any such brave gems around?

The Car that fits me the best:
My heart would skip a beat whenever i see a golf zap by, nevermind it is not silver/grey-coloured...
*sigh*

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Awkwardly Self-conscious

Shopped the stretch from Isetan Scotts down to PS earlier in the afternoon in less than 2 hours' time. Shopping alone spoils all mood. Little wonder why it was said that shopping alone would avoid over-spending. Even as the sales signs beckoned, and I pass by the yummi-licous looking gelare parlor, nothing looked the least enticing enough to have me stop to indulge in anything alone. Perhaps, indulgence has to come with good company.

While at Paragon, the house of the upmarket and sophisticated shopping podium, I saw a yuppie at Bakerzin sipping his coffee and munching his sandwich, absorbed in a magazine, appearing totally at ease alone and indifferent to the crowd. I wish i could be equally cool, though I can't help but wonder if the appearance was really so, or if the magazine onhand was any disguise...

Being alone in a crowd makes me awkwardly self-conscious. I feel no anchor and it makes me spiritless. There was this queer feeling, and I was spooked by a unspoken dread. Oh boy, this is never what I had imagined life to be at this age....
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Little Reminder for Me-self

Take a break, have a cuppa with a muffin, and fly again.

True, I've been caught in a series of lousy tempest storms the past period. The paint peeling, my esteem seriously bruised. Nonetheless, I am thankful for the wonderful people who had been rallying around.

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A nice colleague kept me in thoughts when she sets out to buy "Singapore's best muffin". There were only two muffins in LK*'s doggie bag when she came back - one for me, and another for herself. It was nothing extraordinarily expensive or perhaps apparently effortless, but the thought spoke volume.

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The angel stranger wrote in his last email after my final paper: "will continue to keep you in thought and prayer." Though I am half-skeptical that it's probably sales talk, but still, those words gave comfort in a peculiar way. Somehow, he has got his way of making bleakness sound more encouraging than it really feels in the content of his mail, while placing in a perspective that cannot be accused as untrue. I wish I can be half as encouraging to another person too...

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Hong was the first to date me right after my papers - true to her promise that she will have time for me. We had a great weekend. Shopping, dinner and tea. (yea, it was in that order) There was also a little gift from her honeymoon trip. It was a pleasure just being in good company and chilling out.

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Despite my wallowing in self-pity, the world continues to spin.

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Even as I feel like hiding in a cave, not wanting evermore to see light or to take flight, God has placed people around me seemingly forming a draught under my wings. It tells me I've gotta get out of the dark dumps and glide again. That itself, is reason compelling enough to brave into the fresh gale once again. It is just so unfair that their efforts should come to naught.

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Well, I'm still uncertain if I might fall again. Not sure too if I'll be caught again should I fall. I am also unsure if I might even shatter my bones should there be a next time. (yes, that's the woes of the one with such little faith) But at least soldiering on gives me chips to bet on. Hiding in the cave gave me none at all. It will only have me wither away in the dark.

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So well, buckle up now and let's fly on.

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Despondent Gripe

For the first time, I opted for jettison. Something I have never considered as an option.

The decision was made real late, at barely twenty hours before the peak of the torture, knowing full well that the choice will not signify the end, but the fact that the torment will have to be prolonged... but pushing it so long had only proved too detrimental, and beyond what I had imagined. Yea.. perhaps I have been over-estimating myself. The stress got so too immense yesterday, the connecting nerves in my head burst on me. It is not that I have never been through difficult times and failures, but for the first time, I could imagine what could be worse. I snapped. I have known what real stress was for the first time. My mind was almost incoherent, and I could feel that I would have burst out in public if I had not doggedly held on. I was nuts.

I had to take the choice to give up so as to continue on. Even then, I thought I could still push through. It is really dejecting that an eject should have to be a choice.

Haiz... that's life, i guess. Not everyone who tries pushing will push through. Only the ones who emerge winners get to say their endurance paid off.... or the smarter ones who quit the game ahead of time would say they have found better pay-offs elsewhere.... and I? I am obviously that loser who huffed-and-puffed my lungs out, only to get paid a punctured spirit. :'(

It ain't all fair play. Having survived two law papers within a day last year really did not mean that I can push for 3 in 2 days this year.. it is not fair that I get marginalise with such low down exam schedule just because i am probably the only joker in the whole island of thousands of candidates doing this combination.... plus, i am not doing this full time. I have other commitments. I have constraints. And my energy had been sapped. The accumulated fatigue is taking a toil on me. I am drained. I am in this predicament because I've been duped to take the unit that I had once decided against taking.... and I have missed out of the first semester and last semester of studies because of the time-table changes and clashes...

yea.... ok.... the reasonings and justifications can go on, but still, it makes me feel no better.

I feel I have been such a let-down. There were so many people who had stood by me, supporting, and having expectations... I have disappointed them all.

Mum had been staying up to wait and walk me from the bus stop, and washing up after my late dinners the many weekdays a week through it all. My sister had repeatedly put holidays on hold cos I can never make it for the last 2 years. Boss and colleagues had been enduring my intermittent absence for the past one month. And friends whom I had to miss cos there just wasn't enough time... they simply smiled and said "gambate!"...

.... And the encouragements and egging-on by more other nice friends... like Sab* who replied "definitely" instantaneously when I asked for prayer support.... the angel stranger who would remember me in prayers even at the late hours when he was stressed out preparing his own engagement session... and ESim* too... the phone rang immediately with only words of solaces when I sent out a text in distress... this, even though he too, had his own share of exam preparations to do. He even asked what he can do to help...

Gosh! As I am writing this, the FR tutor called to find out how the paper went. She's the only tutor who called to ask on how things went. She's so nice. I feel so bad telling her that I had given it up for the other units....

It felt that I have let all of them down.... and this is depressing.....

Panic Attack

Only 16 days to D-day, 5 units, with 3 papers scheduled within 2 days, still unable to get quite a number of fundamental principles.... Arghhhh... and I do really mean ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I do not feel the least prepared.... plus the examination bureau sent out the admission notices, with all details but missing the venue for the law papers... oh man! this is so ominous.. is there a panic button that can be pressed and time may come to a stop for me?

*sigh* Why did I get myself into this torturous situation?

As the angel stranger said when he drove me home yesterday after sunday service (yea, I got an offer again cos he "really had no program on for the afternoon"... duh...), "The weather is so beautiful today, such a pity.... "

Extrapolating that, I felt that I have wasted 2 beautiful years of my life, torturing the hell out of myself. Such pity... Wait till the month is over, and the new half of the year begins..... I've really gotta be a little better to myself....

But till then, please continue to keep me in prayers....

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Marrying off a friend...

Hong got married over the weekend. Finally. hehehe.. Well, on a serious note, I felt lotsa mixed emotions overwhelming me for unknown reasons as I see this friend take her step onto the next stage of a more blissful life.

We've shared a lot through the 10 years *gasp!* we've known each other. From lecture halls to tutorial rooms, working differentiations & integrations, fourier series, waves and transforms... From labs, to stressing over a certain indian guy (for real unromantic reasons!), copying each other's lab results and designing circuits that we (or maybe it's only I) never quite understood and getting poisoned by soldering fumes... then to finding work, cursing politics, and wondering why love eludes,.... all the way to her meeting the man who'll fulfill her dreams... the highs and the lows... i suppose we've had come a long way. Seeing her get married, is probably like how i might also feel if my own sister get married one day...

Probably knowing me better than my own sister, she's the person I'll intuitively text to rant and to rave. She's the person who will go on musicals and boring stage plays with me. She's the one who will spend time to live a little chi-chi experience of afternoon teas and chill-out evenings with me. I'm glad my friend got what she deserves...

The groom was great. He took care of every details of the weddings because she's caught up at work - the planning schedules down to the corsages... the wedding went on smooth and without much sweat - that's how much love was put into it... and his profuse thankfulness.... (he definitely scored more points thanking us onstage, and twice at our table, before finally just before we depart. I could almost feel his sincerity in his firm handshake before we left.).

They sure deserve each other, and I'm really glad seeing true love and support between the two of them. I've seen and experienced imperfect relationships. Jaded, and cynical I might have been sometimes, but to taste a little sweetness in other people's lives sure had life a little brighter - especially when it is of someone near and real. =)

I have been to weddings more glam, but the little gestures of love between this couple illuminated a different kind of glitz & bling that overshadowed all the other weddings i've been to. As the song played "lucky, we're in love in every way...", and looking at her beng fussing over her, we know, and are glad she has found her perfect fairy-tale ending to this phase of life, and starting the next on a good footing.

Wish you lotsa love and happiness every of your waking hours, my dear friend !


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