Unable to concede to a life ran out of the mill

不甘于頻繁 ,
不甘于暗淡人生 ,
不甘于無法掌握完美.

為什麼不能有更多的機會？
為什麼不能有更好的心声?
难道不是最好的，就不能有更好的吗?
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Ripped off from somebody's blog....

We tend to be short-sighted and self-absorbed.

We forget that God's primary goal is not changing our situations and relationships so that we can be happy, but changing us through our situations and relationships so that we will be holy.

We need people who love God and us enough to come alongside and help us deal with our spiritual myopia.

~Paul David Tripp~
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The INTj living in a world of my own odd conception...

Did a personality test yesterday, and the result yielded an INTj (Introvert, iNtuitive, Thinking, and judging - The Analyst - The Intratim). The descriptions attached to such a profile is not anything too far off from what I can identify with, but I've got to declare that I am not an exact mould out of the traits defined. I guess that's because I've always had a flair for conceiving ideas of myself and living it out in my own ways... ahem...



...such flair... so much so that this INTj is often misunderstood and kept away from...

An idle mind is potent.

Once in a while, my mind would drift to the people whom I've grown up with. Mostly of those who I have spent my formative years with weekends after weekends. I guess I did look forward to weekends then because of them despite the business. But I guess it was all just an one-sided affair... or perhaps, no one really take another so seriously. Why the need? Carpe Diem! and just enjoy the company ! Whatever and whoever is present.

Sometimes, I'd hope I can go back in time, and savor the fellowships with those same familarities - the weekend meetings and plannings, the dinners, the tennis games, the movies, the singing, the sharing, the lunches, the exploring, the celebrations, the prayings - but things will never be the same anymore. Ever.

The day I walked out of the library screaming at the indignance of the holy-elitists, I should have known that there can be no be co-existence, save for a nod and an awkward smile.

The day I walked out of the meetings, and refused all calls, I should have known my presence will be swallowed by my label as an incomprehensible and emotionally-erratic screwball, preferred not to be mentioned and sucked into the tunnel of memory extinction. Not remembered, but remembers.

Amazing how God planned affinities and relationships. Amazing how I never fail to flop them - and all. Nowadays, weekends are spent, shaking hands with different strangers every week. No-one looks familiar anymore. I wonder if it was due to my aging amnesic brain, but it's always new faces, and new names every week. Too much for one who had preference for all things within comfort zone. Minus the need for emotional connects, this is a fine idea thus far. It saves me from wrecking more.

Indeed, I'd be better off living in the little odd zone of my own.....

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In Reminiscence...

Received a reply text from TS on Christmas that reads:

" ... Christmas also reminds our Choir will never be the same b4 so I always have mixed feelings of joy n sadness...."

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There was a time when all would sing with a zing. Then one day, everyone "grew up" at a cue, and the spirit was all killed.... no wonder Ecclesiastes 12 says to remember our Creator before the "evil" days come, when we find no more pleasure in the best of things that God has given...

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-1 Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them;

2 While the sun, or the light, or the moon, or the stars, be not darkened, nor the clouds return after the rain:

3 In the day when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened,

4 And the doors shall be shut in the streets, when the sound of the grinding is low, and he shall rise up at the voice of the bird, and all the daughters of music shall be brought low;

5 Also when they shall be afraid of that which is high, and fears shall be in the way, and the almond tree shall flourish, and the grasshopper shall be a burden, and desire shall fail: because man goeth to his long home, and the mourners go about the streets:

6 Or ever the silver cord be loosed, or the golden bowl be broken, or the pitcher be broken at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the cistern.

7 Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.

8 Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher; all is vanity.
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A Tiring Christmas...

This christmas is more tiring than usual. Maybe cos' I've started the shopping real late this year... You see, Christmas shoppings are a ted more tiring from normal shoppings and here's why:-

Unlike most shopping experiences where you'd get to enjoy the "fruits" of the laborious ply down Wheelock place to Plaza Sing, and from City Hall, Marina Square, down to Millenia Walk, Christmas shoppings are done with the pleasure of others in mind. On normal shopping trips, you can do without any "harvest"s. However, Christmas shopping gets more stressful by the day when the cart remains barren.

While the gifts chosen may not always be the best, it is a chance to tell the receivers that they are remembered in thanksgiving of the year's happenings. Each of the to-be receiver of the gift had to be jotted down, and each gift chosen with thought: it has to be of use to the receiver or at very least, to consider and avoid the taboos (no cups, mugs, plates, knives, clocks or anything that spells or sound wrong)... Even what seemed the most thoughtless - chocolates - were chosen after much effort expensed to find the better gifts came to naught.

I'd also choose the "right" time to present the gifts, and imagine the smile of the receiver when he/she sees the gift of thought left for them. It must sure feel great to be remembered...

That, I must say, was all on my own accord, and with no strings attached for reciprocates. Although a present received at this season may tell me that I am in your thoughts, please do not do so with the gifts that your other friend has sent you. Yea, I know that we are used to forwarding emails with a whole load of names and seeing if the return mails are what had been previously sent out, but rest assured, that gift that was just "forwarded" from your other friend (whose name is signed on the momento) will stop at my end.

Oh yes, please also spare me from the free gifts received from buying ten tubes of Darlie toothpastes or three tins of Nestles. If that is what I may be remembered by, I'd like to be excused of the insult. For, ahem, I can still afford to buy a mug if I'd need one (erm... actually, I've got tons of them chunked in my kitchen cupboard), or if anything, I can buy my own ten tubes of Darlie toothpastes. By the way, I don't really fancy the "thoughts" of the commerce... Thank you very much.

Now, I'd still had to think where to place ta' boo-ed gifts.... boy.... ain't this a tiring Christmas? Let's go have a cuppa Nestle...
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Maybe knowing I don't know is part of getting through...

I thought I did what's right

I thought I had the answers

I thought I chose the surest road

But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight

And told You how to help me

Now just when I have given up

The truth is coming clear

You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go the need to know why

For You know better than I

If this has been a test

I cannot see the reason

But maybe knowing I don't know

Is part of getting through

I try to do what's best

And faith has made it easy

To see the best thing I can do

Is put my trust in You

For you know better than I

You know the way

I've let go the need to know why

For You know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky

I saw a bird and thought that I could follow

But it was You who taught that bird to fly

If I let You reach me, will You teach me?

For You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go the need to know why

I'll take what answers You supply

You know better than I

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(Better Than I David Campbell Joseph: King of Dreams )

Sitting alone, much thoughts would flood my mind. I wonder if I am getting old, I have too out-of the-world expectations, or that I have always been one who simply ponder things a tad more than it might be necessary. It like.... kneading a small dough of matters and transforming it into a big roti-prata of implications that I soon realise that I am absolutely inapt to digest.... (ok, sounds crappy...anyway...)

Perhaps, really, knowing "I don't know" is part of getting through...

There are time when it seems leading a secular life without concern for the existence of God and His will is easy.... but if we'd behave as if there's no God, we'd better be right....

Then again, the knowledge of a God who has sovereign control is comforting. It gives hope that even not knowing, I'll be able to get through because He knows better than I.... So how do I let go of the need to know "why"? .............and "how"?

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Taking leave...

As children, we loved holidays. School's out, and it's time free to own... ok, except for the holiday assignments. The best times were those breaks in kindy and uni. No homework, no holiday assignments... basically, just time on our own - simply to relax and recharge - then start everything afresh.

Growing up, taking leave from routines are no longer as carefree. The people in the adult world take leave from routines, only to satisfy other's expectations. They flock away from home, rush through places, taking pictures. Don't be mistaken. I have nothing against picture taking. In fact, I like taking pictures. They are memories to which are extremely valuable especially for people like me who's showing early signs of alzheimer... Neither am I against going on overseas trip, taking time to explore the world, away from the familiarities and being intoxicated in THE mood.... ah.....

But some people do not share the same reason. The pictures, are to them, evidence of having spent the bucks. All so that the "so, where have you been?" question asked at the pantry may be answered with pride. They shoot quizzical looks when I say I am staying home on my leave days.... Adults are weird creatures...

Nontheless, I took leave from work today as I did not think it a good idea to start the 27th year of life half-panting in the rat-race. It was nice to be able to wake up without the alarm clocking crying above the head, laze about, select and read the papers, have lunch at time past noon, take a cuppa, fiddle the piano, gamed a little, nap a little, and basically just let the day pass in leisure. No fuss, no faze. Simply nuah....

It might have been just a little more perfect if there were no emails, and reports to send.... and I can start everything afresh when I return from the break.... Taking leave from routines sure ain't the same anymore.... there can be no fresh new starts after the break. (Hopefully) Just a refreshed spirit. And now, back to the same work again.....
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Is there a "Right-ER" one? Roll the dice now..... and hope to win a Newfoundland....

Hong surfed into Yin's blog the other day, came upon the post titled "Meeting the Right person, but too late", and msn-ed me a question: is there a right-er person?

As we exchanged views on the multiple new paths that she is preparing to tread, we concluded with lamentations that everything are unknowns.

All's but uncertainties ahead - and we ain't just talking about relationships.

Is it stay or go?
Is it now or when?

How to know that the future is going to be better than the present?
How to know that a choice made is right?
How to tell if the faith placed is true?

Whatever the case, choices prevails in everyday living. The gamble has to be taken, and the dice has still gotta be rolled. Let's just hope that regardless, it will be our win day at the end of the story.

Hong's closest advisory told her that education has made us go on needless digs and analyses. Ah well, do hope that she's right. Everything will definitely be easier if we can go about making gutsy choices without fears and interpretations, and yet get all the enviable wins.

I'd sure like to not think anything, and be able to still win bon vivant sustenance, and a good newfoundland whatever the path ahead...... if only i have faith, the size of a mustard seed....

"...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own..." ~ Matthew 6:34~

* Coincidentally, the dog named the newfoundland is one who has outstandingly sweet temperament, is genteel, generous, intelligent, patient & loyal.

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An update on school...

Time flies. It has been a quarter of a year since class turned on, starting with a lecture a week, to three..

Going back to school is a break-away from the routine and the "everyday people" (people you meet everyday) grown too accustomed over the last 3 years.

Initial Accounting and Banking lectures were led by a Harry guy who proclaims everything "kancang". Through two sessions of 1.5 hours lectures, he will "kacang" his way through, with the quizzical students dragged along, driven nuts picking up the litters of information. Have problem balancing the sheets? "No problem", he would say, "Continue playing with the numbers, and you will get it." And on, he will walk, invigilating and avoiding the lane in your aisle the next time he has the students fumbling over questions flashed in small fonts on the overhead projector. A young boy in the class said he is not a teacher, but an aspiring magician... well, either that, or he had simply over-rated us! =D

The best thing about him is that class will definitely end on time as he kept watch on the wall clock like a hawk, harping on how detrimental it is to be having classes at evenings late.

You guessed it, he was ousted out after a review. Nonetheless, there wasn't a feeling of the least of any remorse. In fact, he was glad to be off the hook to hold classes in the evenings. To start with, he aint' really that interested to teach the late classes, if not (in his own words) "for the money".

That made the next Accounting lecturer shine against his bad record. She went through every tiny details, punctuating her lines with "Are you clear?", while everyone responded back in a typical Singaporean behaviour (that is, stare back at her). I guess most are really appreciative at least for her earnestness though. Ok, except for a big nosed guy who went up to her to tell her not go to those details, cos' he has done accounting in his secondary school years before and it's a repeat of what he had learnt.... totally without empathy for pathetic science students like me who'd struggling to make out heads and tails... Anyway, that's probably just an example of typical i-me-myself person lar, i guess...

ah well, irritating, yes, but i'm still pretty cool with it.... anyway, what makes him think that he can still remember what he learnt in seconday school... I think i even have problem remember V=IR or was it V= I/R? okie... maybe i'm just lousy.... whatever...

It is also interesting to see how people learn nowadays. While I employ the ol'fashioned way of scribbling illegibly through lectures, I actually spot some guys holding up their phones and taking time to perform photography on the screen notes. Well, that probably means that these people can read their "notes" on the go. Whip out your phone, and there are the powerpoint slides.... cool! but then again, they must have really good camera phones...... hahah...

The new banking lecturer is also a pretty jolly guy who consistently calls himself Uncle Ngoh. But hey, Uncle Ngoh is definitely not your typical Uncle. He holds impressive portfolios, but remained pretty humble in his dealing with people. The best, best thing about him is his willingness to share his notes. This is something Harry won't do, harping on the fact that they are notes that he wrote on his own.... and mind you, Harry's notes are full of typographical errors that he conveniently dismiss as the result of his poor typing skills.... makes me wonder what program he used to type his notes.....

Law classes are a tad different.

We have a lecturer who's simply gregarious and engrossed in teaching. When the time came when the school decided to move him out to teach other classes, the law students stood together and petitioned against it.

Aside from keeping the students awake with his animations, there were countless dictations to keep awake through the hour. I have used up two Stabilo pens in a short time frame of a month. Fidgeting students who have classes next often are caught in the dilemma of choosing to sit or to move. Poor things....

The law class is another scene altogether - kinda different from the i-me-myself centered group of people in the accounting class. The law species enjoyed group discussions and ideas sharing much more - even stopping for the ones who are having problem catching up - without thinking it is a waste of time... Too bad, i do not have the luxury to engage in those group things they've regularly got. I'd think they must be pretty enriching...



Anyway, that's all to update on school for now.... to justify the reason behind the lag in updates for a period too long...... realised that working and studying is too much of a stunt for me to play. bushed lar....

Not a blog

When Darkness of Night obsures all the Light,

I feel all alone.

When Heavens are brass, and though I may ask,

No Answer would come.

When my Faith is weak, the future looks bleak,

And life seems so wrong,

I've learnt to say, "Jesus, Jesus, please make me strong!"

When life's fondest dreams, my plans and my schemes

Refused to come true.

When that which I prize, for which my heart cries,

I cannot pursue.

When God's ways seem strange,

I'm prone to complain, "My Blessings are few!"

I've learnt to say, "Jesus, Jesus, please see me through!"

I've learnt that He cares and He shares in my hour

Of sorrow and grief.

I've learnt that He chastens,

But hastens to bring me welcome relief.

I've learnt that my Saviour is waiting and willing to dry all my tears.

I've learnt to say,"Jesus, Jesus, thank you for calming my fears."

When my work is done,

And life's setting sun begins to sink fast.

When temptation sores afflict me no more,

They're part of the past.

When Eternity is Reality, and done are my tasks.

Then I will say, " Jesus, Jesus, thank you, I'm home at last!"

Don't know why, but the tune of the old chorus has been ringing in my head the last few days. Haven't been able to remember all the words, and thus resolved to dig it out. I suppose this is a really old chorus that no churches sing anymore. You won't even find it in the net. I probably won't know it too, if not that for the fact that I "originated" from a real historic church whose choir would appreciate and sing the yellow pages left from the youth of the grey-haired (at least during my time)... Nontheless, the words are no less meaningful.

So many times, questions asked yield no answers. In fact, there are many more times where God seems too far even for questions. Other times, I even feel that I don't know how to take the next step - or leap.

Is life to be one that follow the "normal cycle" that everyone else is leading?

It's so odd. Recently, I have been feeling that I need to stand for dreams to which I can prize. Dreams..... that I am also unsure of. Other times, the lazy side of me just settle for being dragged along what presents behind the veils with time... anyway.... I guess I am going out of point.....

In fact, I logged in not exactly to blog, but because I'd want to log the old chorus that speaks of something to me somewhere I won't forget.... I love reading words... I cannot imagine how the history of music can predate the written word.... I mean... I can't deny that music can swell emotions, but somehow, I think they are ornaments to stories conveyed in words. But music emptied with words are.... ermmm..... harder to appreciate.... ah well, at least for me.... I cannot really fully appreciate pure instrumental symphonies. But I love musicals though....

Anyway....guess that just prove even more that I am not musically inclined !

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