How much does it take for that mallard to keep its sanity?

Things have been getting a little too much to handle recently. While S is questioning where my strong self had gone to, I am finding the weak side expanding bigger than ever. Correspondingly, the strong side is dimming exponentially. As part of me try to keep the spirit up in looking forward for each day's new starts, I cannot help but feel that I am playing losing games with each day's end...

On one hand, I seem to be in control of all the fuzz at work, but the fact is that I am finding it increasingly too much of a struggle. Just keeping up with the people relations and politics involved is a big drain on my spirit and energy. Well, to start with, I've always known that I am not good at that game, and to engage in a game I am not good at is definitely not me.

There was a time when people relations were such a cruise that it had been my foremost motivation. Everyone was nice then. However, for reasons unknown to me, things had seem to be failing tremendously recently. At the pressure to perform, battles of egos were started.

Suddenly, there were pulls of support cliques. People who never were that pal-ly suddenly became inseparable. People are behaving in bizarre manners, and caustic remarks made. Yes, there are times when I guess I too, am guilty of succumbing to the exchanges. And there were other times when there exist overwhelming urges to just scream at the next person who'd cross my path. Thankfully though, I have managed to combat the explosives in time. I guess losing control is the last thing I would want to happen. It will definitely not be very pretty.

But I am seeing my hair in a little more mess than usual lately.

Wonder how the mallard can uphold its calm whilst paddling furiously under water. It must have been great distress to be under that load of stress and yet keep on a pretty front. How did it keep the toil and maintain its sanity?
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A Confused World

There are just too many things I do not understand.

Earlier, I was talking to my MD with regards to some work issues and he was ranting about how he's finger-pointed at when things go wrong. While I was quick to suggest that the root of problems are clear, he looked at me and went, "Frances, things do not always work on facts...."

And so, he went on and on about the ironies of the world while we stood, watching him dump his Fortune magazines. I was so tempted to ask if I can clear them off for him instead.. geez.... what waste... they could make some good toilet entertainment... =p

Oh, where were we?

Yes. What perplexing world we live in.

More often than not, I have unwittingly become a bystander, making observations and trying to make sense of what this complex world entails. I guess I must have been a little dim...

"things do not always work on facts..."
Sounds so logical, yet incomprehensible, I can't seem to grasp the formula idea behind it.

I mean.... They don't? Yah... they don't always work on my supposed logic sometimes.... but what are facts & logic then if they are not how things work by.... aiyah.... so confusing... gosh! if things don't work by them, then that defeats their definitions. Hence, they should not be what they are.... Huh?

See.. now I don't even know what I am talking about.
Oh boy... I am confused!
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Taking time to be thankful in yet another Yuletide...

Kinda hard to believe another year is drawing to a close.

Been really busied with series of activities & happenings the past weeks (which well explains the entry absence since..... more than a month back?) There seems to have been more of everything: some pleasant, while others..... ermmm... more challenging... and of course, there are the perplexing ones... (persistent trait of mine? or still not very savvy with time?)

It's X'mas eve, and really not a great time to be churning reports... Have hence decided to take a little time to say a thankful prayer for the goodness treading on 2006 had presented...

One, nicer Colleagues.

Not that the colleagues I'd met prior weren't nice... But I guess the batch who gathered over the last year had become more fun.... We had a little gathering with the colleagues out-of-the-office yesterday. While we played mass games & held small talks, it was heart-warming to know that there are colleagues who are willing to fellowship beyond professional relations to build friendships. Heaping work professionalism on friendships has its danger, but I suppose nurturing friendships out of work relations has a beauty of its own...

That brings point two: The friendships established with people who are willing to give me a boost when goings get tough over the year. Sure, things aren't always a bed of roses. And for one inept kid like me, things get even tougher than tough.

Thanks to people like EKH*, the more savvy guru who is always spot on with his observations & willing to share his thoughts and advices... And people like F, who would sing praises that helped ascertain my esteem... the power of good words really should not be undermined...

Of course, for the blessing of good girlfriends who would watch shows with me, hear me rant, talk to me, drop messages, & share their experiences with me. The affinity that was sealed had, I suppose, bonded even further with age.

With the advent of 2007, I cannot help but wonder what more is to come... I'd surely hope there are less perplexing happenings!
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Naive, Ingenuous, Old-Fashion.... *shrug* whatever....

And so, someone looked at me with suspicion and asked if I have been told of being naive... and idealistic...

I wonder if I should hold one synonymous to the other. hmmm.... anyway...

No. No. I am not offended, but I thought it interesting that anyone should say that of me... In any case, I think that frees me from complexity, artifice and the pretentiousness of the world.. and I actually think that sounds great! Okay, that's probably living out of the realm of the practical world, but who cares, really?

Who wants to live in a dog eat dog world where your ears get snapped at if you were to be just a tad careless... If being alienated from the guile and sham of the world, can make anyone any happier, I'll love to be it.

It may be the IN thing to be the highly effective person, but.... Call me ingenuous, (or be mean and call me an old fogey escapist) but I think it's ingenious to live in a little ideal and pampered world where I do not have to try means striving to be that most effective being, functioning in what is called the practical world...

I guess my utopia is a tad different from the others then. While everyone is pursuing the IN labyrinth, the oddball's pursuit is in effective felicity...
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A Blissful start

Yesterday marks the start of my embarking on the start of another year in my life. In face of stepping past quarter-life... Should I, like Hong, subscribe to self-psyche 24, 24, 24? or be like CJ, convinced that the term mid-twenties equals 25, 26, 27, 28 & 29? Woo....perplexing number interpretations.... anyway....

Although I was half in dread at the prospect of turning my back on the last Q, and entering the new one, the phasing in to the other side was surprisingly pleasant. Thanks to the thoughtfulness of EKH, a group of people was gathered to do a little German dinner on Friday with cheer. The delights of the evening dispelled the dread of having to decide how to take on the two and past 5 ageing figure.

Nothing beats a good company. My heart's deepest appreciation goes to the people who had accompanied me through Friday and Saturday to spend a little time. BIG thanks to my good friend, Hong, for spending the whole half of the Saturday with me in glee even though bogged with tireness from your other commitments... Girlfriends are really fantastic beings.... And of cos, to SH too for travelling down from Seng Kang... Hong told me it ain't that on-the-way really.... so yes, I do think I owe you one big THANKS too!

For a long time since school time, I have never felt as remembered. Really, at that moment's freeze, the thoughts and the little touch of love communicated had bless me greatly.

The unanticipated showers of little gifts - from girlie stuffs like chains & pendant, Bloom toiletries that cannot be found in S'pore, and a bag, to a book & gadget-y MuVo for pleasure - had sure been overwhelming. Not forgetting too, the cards and texts that came in on the day actual...

It seemed that the new Q started on a blissful note (at least for me) and I do hope the good start will sustain through the coming days. It would never have been possible if not for the affection of the people who tread on the path with me. Thanks a bunch, Everyone!
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Closing the end of my Q-life

By the next weekend, I will have to close the chapter on my quarter life, and proceed on to start the next Q. Although in the face of turning away from 25, I still feel every much a sophomore. Oblivion, ignorance and rawness seem to have gotten stuck and sealed pretty comfortably, refusing to wean off..

Was at a gathering with a few Uni classmates last week. Everyone seems so grown up, with conversation topics revolving round getting flats, renovations, and (gasp!) pre-natal classes... I was even corrected for making politically wrong statements, that well, just came to mind and shot out of my mouth without much considering... Sometimes, it is really tiring to have a thing too many to consider....

Before long, I was in half-comatose mode, crippled from picking up points they were making. I guess I was in a way, unable to imagine myself at that point of time, being so "grown-up". Has it been pure mal-nutrition? Or the complacency that comes with being in the comfort zone that has caused impedence to my quest in reaching the levels of my peers?

Ah well... too much to think... I guess I am really just a simple little girl within. Glad to be secluded from the complexities of the world. It always seem to me that reality is hidden away in a fog. The intricate yet perplexing world of the human world bewilders me and makes me cautious about lying on any false serenity. Yet, being able to exist in security-quintessence without having to be penalised for my carelessness is my greatest desire.

Harassed by the different direction pulls between the expectations of treading in the grown-up world in the next chapter, and being at peace with inert, I guess I am sounding increasingly confused as an all-glitched-up girl.

Well, I guess I cannot stop what's coming. Carpe Diem is the way to go for time passes whether one likes it or not. And it goes without any chance for "constructive regrets". Hence, I think I should make my life count. Going on, I guess I still want to be a guileless child at heart, as I pop my head in to understand what that grown-up world entails. Careful only to let my life be a blessing, and not be sapped into morasses...
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The Lions may roar, but I guess I am still lack of no good things...

At a really short notice, I was sent packing on my first biz meeting across the Pacific through the last two weekends. Prior to my trip, everyone's asking if I was excited then. Frankly, I was then with mixed mix feelings as I prepare for the trip... Well, there was, of course, some sort of excitement and trepidation at the uncertainties. Then, there was, looming on top, a stormy dark cloud of unhappiness from fellow colleagues who did not think it reasonable at all that I should leave. Seriously, I do not mind the former feelings , but the latter was what affected me most.

Sensing my depressed and despaired mood, I am glad I have yet another group of colleagues & friends who would spend time to hear my grievances. Sometimes, I look back and think if it is right, for I will inevitably turn bitchy and affect their impressions of other parties mentioned in my rant, but to have the channel to pour things out was indeed comforting - at least at that moment. That vent kinda calm me down a little and disallowed me to channel energies in trying to go round in negative circles within.

As there was just two girls being sent out for the meeting this time, the concerns from fellow colleagues was more apparent than usual. We had different colleagues coming up to us with various advices, maps and reminders. Even up till late evening before our departure, we had printed maps, lists of places to go and texts sent our way. Through the trip, the two clueless girls received more tips from emails and texts. Boy, the feeling was endearing ...

I am glad that HShan was my travel companion this time, cos we kinda give each other courage to turn gung-ho and maximise our exposure through the short stint. It helped also that we share the same sweet tooth.

Looking back, even though there was roaring displeasures that haunted me at the advent of my trip, things just turned out fine with the love and concerns showered by many others who cared. Gus & Ting reminded me once more last week that things may get tough, but I still do have people who are concerned. Their very statement was in itself, great pacifying lift to whatever darkness I was feeling then... Thanks, people,

I think I am a blessed gal. Period.

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The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart

Last Sunday's sermon topic was "A Season for Marriage". Even as I thought I'd probably be falling asleep over such a topic, the preacher has sensitively started the sermon with talks of how the singles should approach courtship and such. Okay... I've probably not been so touched by anyone worthy thus far, but who knows? It may become applicable one day... I think I've still got some charm, right? (I'd hope) Better straighten my back and listen well...

In the sermon, he mentioned something about the traits to look for in the search of the better half.

One of the traits he mentioned was that of self-sacrifice. He encouraged the single ladies to look out for the single guys who would later stay back after the service to help move the chairs (we are at a borrowed school compound currently, you see, so it is essential to be considerate and return the place in its original conditions after Sunday).

The interesting phenomenon that followed thus was unbelieveable: A lot more people than usual stayed back after the service to help move the chairs. There were so many people hanging around the hall that I have a bit of problem maneuvering my way out of the place. (I've never liked staying in crowds, you see...)

Anyway, I think these people have missed the whole point.

The actions of self-sacrifice should find its springhead from the heart, without any ulterior motives to gains of anything in particular. The heart of the matter is really, the matter of the heart. It is really not what one does at that instance to prove anyone anything. Fact is, I never believed in proving anyone anything. Whatever one does, it should be because he/she really think he'd want to do it. Else, one may turn grossly disappointed or bitter because an un-met expectation was involved.

A good friend had a huge crush over a colleague some time back. That experience kinda weighed her down a lot then. Along the way, she realised however, that there was yet another colleague who is always patiently listening to her, and admolishing her at other times, but out of genuine concern and care. I believe it was this relentless TLC that made her go kinda "warm and fuzzy" (quoting her today *wink*) inside over time.

No. It's not easy at all. Human being humans, we are more self-centred than we'd like to think we are. More oft, we have our own little hidden agendas when we make efforts to execute what seemed a good deed. But how long can it persist?

That is why I am sometimes very put off by people who sashay around in the holy-joe garb. Everything that was done just have a double wham of negative vibes cos they were never that convinced of doing it. Weird how I do get pretty sensitive about such negative vibes... hah!

It is the works that spring from the commitment and motivation of lifting another person up that can stand through circumstances and time. What comes in return will be a gift in itself, sweeter than if hoped for or expected, I suppose....

Perhaps, I really do have a pretty high expectation on people, but please, there really is not need to crowd the hall if anyone is not really convinced of the obligations....

Saying Adieu....

We said adieu to a fellow colleague who had possibly found her better pastures on Friday. I say "possibly" cos she had not divulged much on her plans after leaving the company. Well, that said, it does seem that we ain't that THAT close actually. Afterall, I do not liaise with her a lot at work, if at all.

However, I still feel a tinge of down-heartedness bidding her farewell.. Recent months, we have been spending much time together as a group out of work, going out on dinners & gathering for activities. Though we do not express it that freely, an unspoken attachment and affinity had somehow been built with the clique over the after-lunch idle chats and playful squabbles. Detaching it suddenly just doesn't makes one feel that great.

At my last visit to my counterpart office in Penang, I was uncannily weighed by some sort of power struggle there. and boy... I was not even suppose to be a part of them! Aren't I glad hence, when it's time to pack my bag and move back after a dreadful two days being caught in scary struggles behind masking smiles. I do not think I can deal with those any longer than that.

Back home, I guess I can place things on the table, and not be caught in any suspicion that people have any ulterior plans to cause me distress. Ermmm... okay, maybe it's not right to be too definite about it, but well, so long I do not know anything otherwise, I guess I am fine...

Take Thursday for example. I was out with a group of fellow colleagues for a tom-yam lunch. As I have never fancied taking rice for lunches, I conveniently rejected the offer to the order, not suspecting that there is no substitute to go with the spice. When the orders came, I've got one colleague who picked up an empty bowl and extra cutlery for me, while another offered some servings of his rice for me.... all without the need for any nudges. Though we kinda laughed it off there and then, I was very much warmed deep inside by their thoughtfulness that had been concretely translated into actions. Being in a place with these people gives me great comfort and I think I am growing pretty attached to such a blessing.

Anyway, back to saying farewell....

Yes, 天下無不散宴席 - no banquets last forever - but it is still difficult to say aye to shifts. Especially so to people whom I've grown to be comfortable with. Haiz... saying goodbyes to familiarities is often to me, like bathos from sublime to a certain extent... Somehow, I will be plagued by a well of emotions and thoughts in such dreaded episodes. Nonetheless, exoduses are oft inevitable and learning to let go is a lesson to start practicing on.

Here's hoping that my colleague dearest will take care and do well in her future endeavors!
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Sleep, Sleep Galore

Haven't blog for almost 3 weeks... Some people thinks it may be a good sign cos that probably means that I've got little to rant about. But I think that's cos I've been a little too caught up with everyday activities, I'm having problem thinking... Most times, I am going through life's motion in a zombed mode.

Much as I do feel that driving oneself too hard is kinda unhealthy sometimes, there are more times when I feel really jittery when I don't check my emails or get on with the tasks sent through the wires.. can't let go.... and can't help but just had to on The Notebook even when home. Before I knew it, I am throwing in more freebies hours to my employer than they bargained for.

I am not particular about it. Afterall, I guess I am still young and can afford a little sacrifice. However, there are times when I feel my thoughts stifled (sounds like good thing that I can still feel... hmmm...) Wonder if it's just me or do people have such experiences too. Problem thinking and thus feeling sometimes... everything just seemed at some instances, mechanical to a certain extent.

To put a stop to this, I refrained from hovering near The Notebook the whole of the Saturday afternoon (save for the routine mail check in the early afternoon... yes, still can't let go...). Still, that required some effort... I think I have developed an addiction to The Notebook...

Spent the Saturday afternoon lazing around, reading the papers and bimbo magazines... Sunday afternoon was spent having sleep, sleep galore. Boy, I didn't know I was feeling so worn out until I had difficulties climbing out of bed after my long coverted nap.

I've been quite a sleepy-head since young. More so do I appreciate the goodness of sleep. Really. Being deprived of it, robs me of my ability to cogitate. I will hence resolve to kick my baneful addictions and get to have more sleep! Say Hurray to more SLEEP!
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