Despondent Gripe

For the first time, I opted for jettison. Something I have never considered as an option.

The decision was made real late, at barely twenty hours before the peak of the torture, knowing full well that the choice will not signify the end, but the fact that the torment will have to be prolonged... but pushing it so long had only proved too detrimental, and beyond what I had imagined. Yea.. perhaps I have been over-estimating myself. The stress got so too immense yesterday, the connecting nerves in my head burst on me. It is not that I have never been through difficult times and failures, but for the first time, I could imagine what could be worse. I snapped. I have known what real stress was for the first time. My mind was almost incoherent, and I could feel that I would have burst out in public if I had not doggedly held on. I was nuts.

I had to take the choice to give up so as to continue on. Even then, I thought I could still push through. It is really dejecting that an eject should have to be a choice.

Haiz... that's life, i guess. Not everyone who tries pushing will push through. Only the ones who emerge winners get to say their endurance paid off.... or the smarter ones who quit the game ahead of time would say they have found better pay-offs elsewhere.... and I? I am obviously that loser who huffed-and-puffed my lungs out, only to get paid a punctured spirit. :'(

It ain't all fair play. Having survived two law papers within a day last year really did not mean that I can push for 3 in 2 days this year.. it is not fair that I get marginalise with such low down exam schedule just because i am probably the only joker in the whole island of thousands of candidates doing this combination.... plus, i am not doing this full time. I have other commitments. I have constraints. And my energy had been sapped. The accumulated fatigue is taking a toil on me. I am drained. I am in this predicament because I've been duped to take the unit that I had once decided against taking.... and I have missed out of the first semester and last semester of studies because of the time-table changes and clashes...

yea.... ok.... the reasonings and justifications can go on, but still, it makes me feel no better.

I feel I have been such a let-down. There were so many people who had stood by me, supporting, and having expectations... I have disappointed them all.

Mum had been staying up to wait and walk me from the bus stop, and washing up after my late dinners the many weekdays a week through it all. My sister had repeatedly put holidays on hold cos I can never make it for the last 2 years. Boss and colleagues had been enduring my intermittent absence for the past one month. And friends whom I had to miss cos there just wasn't enough time... they simply smiled and said "gambate!"...

.... And the encouragements and egging-on by more other nice friends... like Sab* who replied "definitely" instantaneously when I asked for prayer support.... the angel stranger who would remember me in prayers even at the late hours when he was stressed out preparing his own engagement session... and ESim* too... the phone rang immediately with only words of solaces when I sent out a text in distress... this, even though he too, had his own share of exam preparations to do. He even asked what he can do to help...

Gosh! As I am writing this, the FR tutor called to find out how the paper went. She's the only tutor who called to ask on how things went. She's so nice. I feel so bad telling her that I had given it up for the other units....

It felt that I have let all of them down.... and this is depressing.....