Loved not, Love lots

If ever I have kids of my own, I will make sure they are hugged and told that they are so lovely everyone will love them. The loved kid(s) will grow up loved, love and be loved. Why would anyone want to keep being told in one way or another that they are never loveable enough to have anyone really love them?
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Outside the Hubbub Bubble

Everyone's caught up with something.

Busy, busy, is their common name. Everyone has activities galore. Seems like I am the only one outside the hubbub bubble, watching the bubbles float by.... . like this:

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Hi, Saturday High

Met up Hong (she's looking prettier each time I see her! Wish I am too...), went to catch The Hossan Leong Show at the Drama Centre, had a good laugh, unexpectedly won a year's supply of frolick yoghurt during the show for sitting at the circles 2, GG14 seat (just as I was wondering if it is only the people who are in the stall seats get to win anything), took a photo with the standup comedian himself (up close & personal!), got shoved with two Maquillage lip gloss samples with an assortment of shades at Bugis, got tickets to Beauty and the Beast next month, grills, salads & devil's fudge cake at Cedele (yummilicious!), yakked and bitched about work (in the chill ambience), shopped (although without harvest), poked fun at obscenely dressed muscle-men, and got a much-needed esteem booster from spotting a cute guy (so there are actually still eligible looking guys out alone on Saturday evenings!) at Times bookshop whose gaze followed me after I sauntered past him at the shelves all the way to my exit from the store...

I suddenly hate full stops. I think I am on some high and I wonder if it was the good company, the day's program or the doubly whammy chocolate fudge in the cake...

How I wish every Saturday is as such.
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The (Occasional) Sunday Brunch partner

It's nice to have someone to do Sunday brunch with after too many weeks of turning into a perpetual hermit. I may not click with everyone on the street, but I do love being in good company. Sure, there have been litters of texts now and then, but there weren't always replies... With some people, I am still excited by face-to-face exchanges.

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I have lost count of the number of weeks we have not met and I wonder if it was because of this long absence, that it seemed the conversations needed more efforts to get going. The synergy was a tad retarded, and at some point, in intermittence. We were almost like awkward teenagers on first dates, not knowing what to expect and needing more time to respond (or was it just me?)... All the things I thought I would ask and tell through these weeks dissolved from my thought bubble just when I most needed them.

There even came an instance when silence ballooned for almost too long, and we were found literally staring at each other, eyeball to eyeball, under the dim brown lights across the oak brown table. For a while, it was awkwardly uncomfy. Then funnily, we smiled bigger at each other and broke the mute with a laugh. Consequently, one of us (can't remember who did, but probably not me though) mastered a question, releasing the paralyzing acupoints, and we went on again, idly chatting about work, old school-times and of things seen and heard.

Back in my solitude, that moment of silence replayed... I wonder why I was looked at like that and if I had missed any significance that was perhaps being transpired. Or perhaps, I am just imagining too much - as usual. Logic is awry here. I am befuddled. Can't quite figure a good conclusion of the event sequence. Ah well, don't try then, I guess. I will just be a faithful good Sunday brunch partner whenever hunger seizes and there are no other appointments in line....

Food was great at The Old Brown Shoe though, and chill ambience too, where we were seated. I walked out of the place and found myself smelling really nice from the refreshing flowery fragrances that they infused the air with. As was with our last two brunches (Simply Bread in Cluny Court and Kenny Rogers in Novena Square), I like the choice of food place by my (occasional) Sunday brunch partner.

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One thing I wish for now

Chilling out in a tea room with some great company.

(photo plagarised from W.Ong's FB album on Canada. hope MICA doesn't catch up with me. hee..)
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万卷书

Introducing my loot of notes accumulated from 4 + 2 years of tertiary education. Look how high they stack. And these are not all, excluding tutorials and another mountain of textbooks.. I wonder how my brains had digested those information. As I flipped through the complex engineering maths functions last night, they gave my head a spin and stared back totally unfamiliar and without sense to me. I feel like one with amnesia... They are things once held so dear (can't live without them!), but now so foreign.. Will I ever recall them again? Will I even ever need them again?

To throw or not to throw?

...And remember those times when we were allowed to bring in notes on A4 sized papers for exams? I found 2 sheets of my treasured notes... can't bear to toss them out even though they too, don't seem intelligible. They ended up getting tucked into the stack and hidden back to the top of the shelves. I am such a sucker for sentiments I cannot even remember. But maybe, just maybe, they will again make sense one day...

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Mood blog

Feel like jetting away for a little holiday....

To feel exhilarated and excited again.

....but leaves not enough.... =(

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Another Day

Woke up hoping that I could extend the weekend.... Am i losing it?

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Did an acorn drop?

I wonder if an acorn dropped on his head to bring something to mind after a whole week of silence for I was suddenly thought of past Saturday midnight, after the coaches had turned into pumpkins.. He "wanted to drop a note to say hi", and to tell that he will be absent again today. I know nuts what a regatta is - it sounded like some fancy Italian or French food to me, but the text spoke of being out at sea and races... * shrug *

I do like the accountability though... it's nice to wake up to that buzz in any case...

Hi, Hi, Hi, Beautiful Sunday

Almost missed this text because it was nestled among some other urgent work-related sms-es & missed call notices that came in just when I was rushing out for church... and more so, because it was totally unexpected. But it made my day.

My eyes almost popped, and I irrationally placed myself on cloud nine right after reading line one... whoa! Surprise of surprises! How often does anyone even think of me? I hope the sender woke up from some sweet dreams and not from some nightmares though... haha..

Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned....

*feeling like Christine Da'ae*
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Blood Type A

*gulp*

Leading life too tough...

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The Rainbow Trimming

Finally found all the log-in information required to access the results today. Haven't been too optimistic and was in some kind of denial for the past period, so it was a pleasant surprise to be found cleared of all the papers I sat for.

Did not score the best grades, and could have done better if I had been in a better condition, I guess, but thankful nonetheless.

The last year had been tough. 2/3 of the fellow part-timers I used to hang out with are repeating the year. Well, that may not be a bad idea, considering that they have got a second chance to log a better score. But I'm grateful for being spared the pro-longed agony of having to overwork the adrenaline pump for that chance. Should keep excitement level down with age...

So now, it is only to sweat over that one paper i absented myself from.. that itself is going to be a test of discipline for the next 8 months since there will not be anymore paid scheduled classes...

Thanks to all the prayer support and encouraging words through those trying moments. They were colour lacings like rainbows over the dark and gloomy clouds. Do continue to keep me in prayers, friends!

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Differences

Been wanting to catch Disney movie "Up", and finally did so in the evening before it gets pulled off the big screen. My tears welled in between the scenes as I feel with Carl. And when I asked mom how she finds it, she said the characters are cute and the show was funny.... I think she's probably refering to Russell.

Focus differences there, I guess... even the publicity picture had that discord...

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Operating Mode: 不知"最怕"

Spotted on Today's free publication, <我報>:

人有思想, 卻最怕胡思亂想.

人有朋友, 卻最怕豬朋狗友.

人有緣分, 卻最怕有緣無分.

人有理想, 卻最怕不理也不想.

uncannily familiar... hmm...

uh-oh! think I am in the "不理也不想" mode...

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The Truce Within

It feels funny seeing someone I once had a liking for, walking past, turn around and wave. I smiled at him in acknowledgement and waved back like an old friend. Come to think about it, we didn’t know each other that well really – only that one dinner one evening almost five years ago…

I can't help, my eyes fixated on him and his girlfriend running in the rain, his hands sheltering her, as I stood alone under the grey shelter of the bus stop. It was a pretty sweet sight from where I was standing. Yet oddly, it must have been quite a contrast they will see if they had looked back. Thank God they didn't. The bus stop usually has more people, and the passageway more crowd at this time…

My heart let out a light sigh. Then uncontrollably, with my head down as they disappeared from sight, I managed to brace a smile at myself. There was a certain indescribable feeling welling within.

Sometimes, I have to think I am quite remarkable in some ways even though the world does not consider me. Well done to myself.

Imbalanced

CCF had Dr D Quek, psychiatrist from TTSH to give a medical talk on anxiety disorder this month. And he said people who have tendencies towards Obsessive Compulsive Behavior (aka perfectionist streak) make perfect workers. But are generally pie-mia (poor life) folks. Yes, that coming from a science person! Totally agree with him...

Won't say i am exactly a perfectionist, but why strive to be on time when the whole department only start appearing after 9am? Notwithstanding, they get to do their own stuff, capitalise on their own self-serving audacities, unabashedly make requests for privileges and (the most unfair thing!) get obliged. Their private lives seem great too.

An apparent fool am I, playing within the rules, trying to be understanding, living life on the edge... and yet finding myself edged out. Yes, the doc also mentioned that people who tend to sit too near the edge of their seats have higher likelihood of getting heart attacks. Really should stop being too hard on myself. Must consciously lean back, love myself more and not be too bothered about other people... perhaps then, life will be better...
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We have a system that increasingly taxes work and subsidizes non-work.
~ Milton Friedman ~
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Drifting by the Riverside

Got to dine and chill out along Riverside Point at Clarke Quay last evening with some work associates after work. Can't remember the last time I did this. Al fresco dining couldn't get better in Singapore with the balmy weather and accompanying Latin-Spanish flamenco tunes in the background... Although it can never beat that atmosphere at Pier 39 in San Francisco, it was good enough.


It was nice being able to bask in the crowd's hype, and yet be able to be detached from it. It need not matter that I was distracted from the table conversations from time to time (since there were others to keep up the conversation). I was grateful just to have company.

Better still is to be able to place my mind in the clouds and be transported away, whenever I don't feel like engaging. I wondered who's within the towering mall and offices at the other side of the river bank. Is there someone looking out as I gazed up at the full length windows? Will I be a silhouette familiar to someone overlooking from one of those bright openings? Or will I spot any somebody having dinner or working up there?

I guess it would be nicer if the company were people closer to my heart, with more intimate talks. But this wasn't bad as well. Whenever I withdrew a little too far off and too long to hazy muddle-land, I am thankful to E*'s thoughtful little gestures that would break the spell and pull me back to earth's ground....

Somehow, I think the evening had been a pleasure.


Just thinking.. perhaps I need a little more "available company" who would give a buzz anytime for a chill-out session as such... but I guess I am trapped at an age where everyone around just seemed so caught up in their own carousal, it would be too imposing to have me wander into their bubble. The irony of this is that I feel like the lone left-out kid totally lost in the busy world that is spinning by faster than I could turn my head...

Suddenly, I miss being in the presence of people who would sit around in mirth, unwind and enthrall me with stories of the world at large and narrating trivialities like how the idea of shampoo sachets came about... alright, alright, I think i am drifting... again....
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Another Knot

And so another friend got hitched. A little hurt though that I have to find out about it on FB.... to think I have regarded him as a good friend. So sad nobody ever has any regard for my regards...... haiz.. these lousy people...

Well, wish him a blissful union nonetheless.. think he had long been looking forward to this day... Congrats! Congrats, friend~ The very least, he has added another fairy-tale to the record..

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Tweet Tweet

Too empty a long weekend...

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Men in White & their White Empathy

I have always been mesmerised by guys in white shirts. (eh.. not the ones with see-through material and visible ah-pek singlet lines though..) ... until i fell to my senses Wednesday morning en route to work.

Onto the hard tar ground I fell. Flat. My knees and knuckles scrapped with cuts and lacerations, along with a bruise on the chin. Biting the excruciating pain, and after spraying the open wounds with water lots, I went to see the doctor.

As he examined the cuts and expressed his empathy, he wet the gauze with antiseptic lotion, pressed it hard on the wound and gave it a good rough rub. OMG! *Almost fainted* All the words of empathy and saying that he understood the pain and stuff are but lip service. I actually believed him!

After the job, he tried to engage in an "academic discussion" (quote-and-unquote right from the horse's mouth) with me - to put two stitches over the wound so that the scar will have "caterpillar legs" or leave the open wound to heal on its own and have a scar (as it is).

It sounded like a silly discussion to engage in. I was only interested to know how he can stop the pain and the relentless bleeding. All I was told however, was that there is no magic and to leave the wound open to dry.

These people in white shirts - consultants or doctors alike - just love talking till the earth turns flat, but never giving indications and resolutions proper. Utterly incomprehensible. I should not harbour any hope on them... *bleah*

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Condition: Grouch

Yes, I have been on the downswing for the past few days.

Saw a colleague with her boyfriend yesterday, and i pretended not to see them. Not too sure if it is that I don't feel comfy with her bf's expressionless stone face, or that I am generally in a don't-feel-like-making-small-talks mood. Or just maybe, I really don’t feel like seeing yet another couple within my sight range (remember what they say about the grouchy old maids?).

I wish I could be more vivacious and bubbly. Live the time with more hope and energy... Or at the very least, feel more attractive. But it is taking increasing efforts to defy gravity and keep up the smiles. My hair is in some mess; no amount of combing seems to be able to tame them. The parting is wrong no matter how. My clothes looked ugly. And my skin awful too… I hate what I am seeing. Even my mind is not able to churn any useful words to hold any meaningful conversation. No news or gossips tantalize like they should. Everyone seemed to be getting on my nerves. I thought I just wanted to be hidden in my own corner, yet I hate that very thought... that of being ignored into non-existence..

And someone who talked about having to get comfy alone at this age, or the other who exalts life in so-called swinging independence set my eyeballs rolling in annoyance...

Ok, I confess. I am in the old maid's mood... *&#%*@
(i learnt that term from the k-serials.. geez... i think i should stop watching any more k-dramas...)

Hello, I'm Porc-ky.

I do not actually make extra efforts to get acquainted with new (some)bodies. With age, I know I am making less or no new friends, but I am making no effort to navigate through life otherwise. Yes, I am a social porcupine whose quills grow longer and sharper with age.

Am I socially dysfunctional? Have I been pulling anti-social antics subconsciously? Much as I'd like to think I am learning to be more forgiving, somehow, there will be people who pisses me off indefintely, and more others with whom I'd forever feel some negative vibes - I could feel dark clouds of awkwardness loom whenever they are near...

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Honestly, I have no inkling how friends are made. There is no direct formula or logical object flow that can be applied. Usually, I am pretty much “intuitively reactive”. For me, getting comfy with people is simply magic. Something I, myself cannot quite fathom.

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There are people who I naturally feel an affinity with and won't mind them venturing into my sphere of personal space bubble. Yet there are others with whom I am happy to keep my distance from.

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This week, I have been getting some texts that leaves me not knowing how best to react. I didn't want to be nasty. Neither am I in the mood to be friendly and entertain. My quills stood up. I did a naughty thing and pretended to miss the texts. (but there are genuine times when i really did forget to reply them!)

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Well, if all things fail, i might just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I'm Porc-ky..."

(alright, i admit, i'm a bad liar. I probably won't be able to do that... so please don't call me using some new numbers I never knew. You probably won't get through...)

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Men who left me perplexed

Was suppose to meet up with the "married men club" last week, and both guys offered to give me a ride... I was over-whelmed by the attention, albeit for the fact that they are all married men. Then I found out that there were some unhappiness over something so seemingly trivial and minor as just that.. gosh... how did things take a turn to such complications?

Met up with Tuan* on Thursday and she told me her surprise when her 84-year-old father-in-law still remembers and asks after me after all these years. Yes, I do adore the old man, but like Tuan*, I simply did not expect him to still remember me after such a long absence... i mean... it has been at least half a decade... perhaps XL* was right - I appeal to the old uncles and aunties... (and only them?)

Then there was a particular some other who would offer to drive me home, and ask me out for lunches (when he is hungry and has no plans for the afternoons)... Not appearing when he said he would (yet said he remembered, which is not consistent with his short memory...), and appearing when least expected (supposedly to be real busy), only to be in a rush to scoot off for yet another appointment, without much exchanges... and in seeming distraction and nonchalence... But why appear to start with then?

Am I supposed to read anything into that?

Ah well, I guess there are just too many things I don’t understand…

* shrug *

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It’s Okay to Leave a Little Room for Imperfections.

W.Ong* is one of the most remarkable amongst my friends. The charming old-skool all-rounder who did well academically, was a government scholar, and had a PhD under his name. But he was no geek. Talk to him about anything under the sun, the well read, well traveled and well-informed dude has all the information and (of course) his views. From the latest academic researches, to fashion, music, arts or techie stuffs, none would faze him….

He does sports (actually taught himself to play tennis just from reading!), does music (great tenor, and plays the piano & percussion), is able to carry himself appropriately at every right occasion, etc, etc. He is basically the lucky, talented chap whom anyone would wish his son could grow into.

From what I see, he had everything going great for him except for what I see as a little blemish (not that he cared): that he had to make do with sleeping with his wonder woman poster at age 40. (I mean… it’s probably still cool now, when one is still able and looking good. But I can’t quite imagine the sight when he turns age 80.)

I used to wonder if single hood was a lifestyle choice for him.

I never thought that I would meet another such character until I met WH*. After the rounds of interactions, I found a side of him that I couldn’t help but relate to W.Ong*. Though younger, WH* is the same privileged kid who gets to have the enviable exposures and talents, all under the right conditions. I was impressed just hearing him speak of his experiences (before it got a tad intimidating how some people just seems to have it all…) He was most certainly another perfectly eligible match for any girls smart and pretty. Given that I do see so many single ladies who so awed me, I wonder why he still is swinging single, and making do with seeking enjoyment in solitary activities.

I won’t say these guys are the ones closest to perfection on our measure-stick. But they sure are looking pretty impressive to me. They are the ones who were endowed with the skills to be jacks-of-all-trades, and managed to score reasonably well in each of them… There is just so little that would impress them unless you are a better master than them in any of the “trades” they already knew, or that you know some “trades” that they don’t.

Putting this down, I think I have found the reason why they are still single despite seemingly being so perfectly eligible. This, aside from that minute probability that they really are so down on their luck (like me) that they never meet any eligible “The Other”. That chance is minuscule since their path seemed to me to be all smooth and peppered with the best of luck… (I am just a deprived and struggling jack-of-little-trades... so, not comparable.)

Sometimes, having little gaps give space for another to fill and complement that imperfection. Things growing out of cracks may be a little prettier than what already seems like a smooth (near) perfection… Well, so just be contended with the little imperfections in the people around you. Having room for the little flaws gives another a chance to fill the void...
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Who am I? The Feckless Quizzes & their Spot-on Results...

The Kind of Singaporean Student I am:
Normal/Standard Student. Never thought I was anything out of the norm from day 1. Just happy to be un-noticed.

The Mathematical Function I am:

A sine. I can almost hear the oscilloscopes sneering me. There was a time when I really so hate to have to get that "perfect" waveform...

The Peanut Character I am:
Linus - Not unexpected. Pass me my Security Blanket. NOW! NOW! NOW!


The Kind of Wine I am:
Merlot - the medium tannins. I'd like to think I am a soft, fruity, smooth wine.

The (Disney) Prince who would appeal to me: Prince Philip. Hear ye! Any such brave gems around?

The Car that fits me the best:
My heart would skip a beat whenever i see a golf zap by, nevermind it is not silver/grey-coloured...
*sigh*

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Awkwardly Self-conscious

Shopped the stretch from Isetan Scotts down to PS earlier in the afternoon in less than 2 hours' time. Shopping alone spoils all mood. Little wonder why it was said that shopping alone would avoid over-spending. Even as the sales signs beckoned, and I pass by the yummi-licous looking gelare parlor, nothing looked the least enticing enough to have me stop to indulge in anything alone. Perhaps, indulgence has to come with good company.

While at Paragon, the house of the upmarket and sophisticated shopping podium, I saw a yuppie at Bakerzin sipping his coffee and munching his sandwich, absorbed in a magazine, appearing totally at ease alone and indifferent to the crowd. I wish i could be equally cool, though I can't help but wonder if the appearance was really so, or if the magazine onhand was any disguise...

Being alone in a crowd makes me awkwardly self-conscious. I feel no anchor and it makes me spiritless. There was this queer feeling, and I was spooked by a unspoken dread. Oh boy, this is never what I had imagined life to be at this age....
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Little Reminder for Me-self

Take a break, have a cuppa with a muffin, and fly again.

True, I've been caught in a series of lousy tempest storms the past period. The paint peeling, my esteem seriously bruised. Nonetheless, I am thankful for the wonderful people who had been rallying around.

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A nice colleague kept me in thoughts when she sets out to buy "Singapore's best muffin". There were only two muffins in LK*'s doggie bag when she came back - one for me, and another for herself. It was nothing extraordinarily expensive or perhaps apparently effortless, but the thought spoke volume.

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The angel stranger wrote in his last email after my final paper: "will continue to keep you in thought and prayer." Though I am half-skeptical that it's probably sales talk, but still, those words gave comfort in a peculiar way. Somehow, he has got his way of making bleakness sound more encouraging than it really feels in the content of his mail, while placing in a perspective that cannot be accused as untrue. I wish I can be half as encouraging to another person too...

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Hong was the first to date me right after my papers - true to her promise that she will have time for me. We had a great weekend. Shopping, dinner and tea. (yea, it was in that order) There was also a little gift from her honeymoon trip. It was a pleasure just being in good company and chilling out.

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Despite my wallowing in self-pity, the world continues to spin.

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Even as I feel like hiding in a cave, not wanting evermore to see light or to take flight, God has placed people around me seemingly forming a draught under my wings. It tells me I've gotta get out of the dark dumps and glide again. That itself, is reason compelling enough to brave into the fresh gale once again. It is just so unfair that their efforts should come to naught.

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Well, I'm still uncertain if I might fall again. Not sure too if I'll be caught again should I fall. I am also unsure if I might even shatter my bones should there be a next time. (yes, that's the woes of the one with such little faith) But at least soldiering on gives me chips to bet on. Hiding in the cave gave me none at all. It will only have me wither away in the dark.

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So well, buckle up now and let's fly on.

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Despondent Gripe

For the first time, I opted for jettison. Something I have never considered as an option.

The decision was made real late, at barely twenty hours before the peak of the torture, knowing full well that the choice will not signify the end, but the fact that the torment will have to be prolonged... but pushing it so long had only proved too detrimental, and beyond what I had imagined. Yea.. perhaps I have been over-estimating myself. The stress got so too immense yesterday, the connecting nerves in my head burst on me. It is not that I have never been through difficult times and failures, but for the first time, I could imagine what could be worse. I snapped. I have known what real stress was for the first time. My mind was almost incoherent, and I could feel that I would have burst out in public if I had not doggedly held on. I was nuts.

I had to take the choice to give up so as to continue on. Even then, I thought I could still push through. It is really dejecting that an eject should have to be a choice.

Haiz... that's life, i guess. Not everyone who tries pushing will push through. Only the ones who emerge winners get to say their endurance paid off.... or the smarter ones who quit the game ahead of time would say they have found better pay-offs elsewhere.... and I? I am obviously that loser who huffed-and-puffed my lungs out, only to get paid a punctured spirit. :'(

It ain't all fair play. Having survived two law papers within a day last year really did not mean that I can push for 3 in 2 days this year.. it is not fair that I get marginalise with such low down exam schedule just because i am probably the only joker in the whole island of thousands of candidates doing this combination.... plus, i am not doing this full time. I have other commitments. I have constraints. And my energy had been sapped. The accumulated fatigue is taking a toil on me. I am drained. I am in this predicament because I've been duped to take the unit that I had once decided against taking.... and I have missed out of the first semester and last semester of studies because of the time-table changes and clashes...

yea.... ok.... the reasonings and justifications can go on, but still, it makes me feel no better.

I feel I have been such a let-down. There were so many people who had stood by me, supporting, and having expectations... I have disappointed them all.

Mum had been staying up to wait and walk me from the bus stop, and washing up after my late dinners the many weekdays a week through it all. My sister had repeatedly put holidays on hold cos I can never make it for the last 2 years. Boss and colleagues had been enduring my intermittent absence for the past one month. And friends whom I had to miss cos there just wasn't enough time... they simply smiled and said "gambate!"...

.... And the encouragements and egging-on by more other nice friends... like Sab* who replied "definitely" instantaneously when I asked for prayer support.... the angel stranger who would remember me in prayers even at the late hours when he was stressed out preparing his own engagement session... and ESim* too... the phone rang immediately with only words of solaces when I sent out a text in distress... this, even though he too, had his own share of exam preparations to do. He even asked what he can do to help...

Gosh! As I am writing this, the FR tutor called to find out how the paper went. She's the only tutor who called to ask on how things went. She's so nice. I feel so bad telling her that I had given it up for the other units....

It felt that I have let all of them down.... and this is depressing.....

Panic Attack

Only 16 days to D-day, 5 units, with 3 papers scheduled within 2 days, still unable to get quite a number of fundamental principles.... Arghhhh... and I do really mean ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I do not feel the least prepared.... plus the examination bureau sent out the admission notices, with all details but missing the venue for the law papers... oh man! this is so ominous.. is there a panic button that can be pressed and time may come to a stop for me?

*sigh* Why did I get myself into this torturous situation?

As the angel stranger said when he drove me home yesterday after sunday service (yea, I got an offer again cos he "really had no program on for the afternoon"... duh...), "The weather is so beautiful today, such a pity.... "

Extrapolating that, I felt that I have wasted 2 beautiful years of my life, torturing the hell out of myself. Such pity... Wait till the month is over, and the new half of the year begins..... I've really gotta be a little better to myself....

But till then, please continue to keep me in prayers....

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Marrying off a friend...

Hong got married over the weekend. Finally. hehehe.. Well, on a serious note, I felt lotsa mixed emotions overwhelming me for unknown reasons as I see this friend take her step onto the next stage of a more blissful life.

We've shared a lot through the 10 years *gasp!* we've known each other. From lecture halls to tutorial rooms, working differentiations & integrations, fourier series, waves and transforms... From labs, to stressing over a certain indian guy (for real unromantic reasons!), copying each other's lab results and designing circuits that we (or maybe it's only I) never quite understood and getting poisoned by soldering fumes... then to finding work, cursing politics, and wondering why love eludes,.... all the way to her meeting the man who'll fulfill her dreams... the highs and the lows... i suppose we've had come a long way. Seeing her get married, is probably like how i might also feel if my own sister get married one day...

Probably knowing me better than my own sister, she's the person I'll intuitively text to rant and to rave. She's the person who will go on musicals and boring stage plays with me. She's the one who will spend time to live a little chi-chi experience of afternoon teas and chill-out evenings with me. I'm glad my friend got what she deserves...

The groom was great. He took care of every details of the weddings because she's caught up at work - the planning schedules down to the corsages... the wedding went on smooth and without much sweat - that's how much love was put into it... and his profuse thankfulness.... (he definitely scored more points thanking us onstage, and twice at our table, before finally just before we depart. I could almost feel his sincerity in his firm handshake before we left.).

They sure deserve each other, and I'm really glad seeing true love and support between the two of them. I've seen and experienced imperfect relationships. Jaded, and cynical I might have been sometimes, but to taste a little sweetness in other people's lives sure had life a little brighter - especially when it is of someone near and real. =)

I have been to weddings more glam, but the little gestures of love between this couple illuminated a different kind of glitz & bling that overshadowed all the other weddings i've been to. As the song played "lucky, we're in love in every way...", and looking at her beng fussing over her, we know, and are glad she has found her perfect fairy-tale ending to this phase of life, and starting the next on a good footing.

Wish you lotsa love and happiness every of your waking hours, my dear friend !


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Blessed! Once more.

Woke up with a bad back again, but still glad I'm taking my breath. Almost died last night. Serious. Okay, perhaps not dead, dead, but probably crushed and definitely not able to be typing away like now….

While crossing a traffic junction after class in the late evening, a weekend-plate Honda zoomed right past our paths, clearly having been mistakenly thought that red lights meant “danger, go, and speed faster!” It zipped by so fast, ALow* was clearly shocked for an instant, before breaking out into curses & swears using all his tort law knowledge (the tort tutor must be very pleased that he remembers all his tort principles. Keke.).

ALow* was shocked because for that split second, if I kept my pace, or had taken a slightly bigger step ahead of him, I would probably have gone home to the emerald courts, up the sapphire skies. But it was not time yet. Haha…

After the car had whizzed out of sight, he turned to me and asked what made me slow down my pace at the instance that car made its dash towards us. I looked at him, blinked blankly, before struggling a lame answer like “my bag was too heavy. I had my notes and statutes in it. I couldn’t walk fast”. ok, that ain't exactly lame, cos my bag was really heavy, but..... Actually, I was equally puzzled. Seriously, I had not heard the booming engine signaling the charge like he did. But really, everything happened at such an instant, I truly cannot tell why or how I have just halt.

Anyway… It took me quite a while for the episode to sink in. Even as we take our last few steps on the tar ground and onto the red brick pedestrian curb, I was still chirping about the possible reasons why the driver had accelerated when we actually had the right of way (much to ALow*’s annoyance. heheh..).

After pacifying his frustration towards the inconsiderate driver, his question started sinking into me.

Why? Why did I slow down? Did I really and actually slow down?

* shrug * I don’t know. I really don’t. I was in some kind of daze at that late hour... But I know I did pray that I be guarded and guided through the week… and someone did say he would keep me in prayers too!


The angel stranger took the empty seat beside me on Sunday (again!) cos he was really late, and there was a convenient seat that I had deliberately left empty nearest the aisle.

On my right was an amiable young lad. He had, during the friendship break asked me if I was alone just like him, and I told him yes. He must have had felt pretty bewildered when the angel stranger and I started chatting during the break, and whispering short exchanges through the service like we were friends. Thinking back now, I felt a little bad that the boy must have felt kinda neglected as I might have, if I were him…. In fact, I do feel bad also cos I cannot even remember his name...

Anyway, back to the angel stranger... WH* seemed like he is quite a natural people-person. He responds to people very well. I really cannot remember the last time anyone would take an interest, and said he would keep me in prayers voluntarily. In fact, I cannot remember anyone who had used this approach - no questions asked about what I wanted to pray for… he just asked when my exams was (he actually remembered I was doing a course!) and said he would keep me in prayers…. And when the skies started to drip a few drops of rainwater as we parted, he asked if he could give me a ride somewhere (Note! Note! The question was not if I'd wanted or needed a ride...). The idea was later dropped as he had another lunch appointment, and we could not reconcile the directions we were each heading. Nevertheless, he was thoughtful enough to offer his black brolly (even that left an impression...), and asked if I had one. All without much fanfare.

It felt good that someone had shown such concern without seeming like he was patronising me.... and this was only our third encounter! I mean… sometimes, we will not even offer our own brolly to a long time friend if it means depriving ourselves of it in the face of the threatening skies, right? much less a casual acquaintance just met… (and especially if the walk to the car is two streets down without any shelter !)

Even through this, I think I have learnt something...

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Anyway..... Can this be true? Had he been a figment of my imagination? Haiz… I was and still am obviously swooned… haha… if only he was as young as I'd wish he is…. ay.......

Nonetheless, blessed, blessed am I, or so, was I reminded. That strange cloud of vexed emotions in me on Saturday was quickly dispelled by the time the new week begun… for I realised I had been blessed once again.

The Kind of smart that IQ tests miss

By Keith Stanovich
The writer is professor of human development and applied psychology at the University of Toronto

In 2002, cognitive scientist Daniel Kahneman of Princeton University won the Nobel Prize in Economics for work done with his longtime collaborator Amos Tversky (who died in 1996). Their research had to do with judgment and decision-making – what makes our thoughts and actions rational or irrational. They explored how people make choices and assess probabilities, and uncovered basic errors that are typical in decision-making.

The thinking errors they uncovered are not trivial mistakes in a parlour game. To be rational means to adopt appropriate goals, take the appropriate action given one’s goals and beliefs, and hold beliefs that are commensurate with available evidence. It means achieving one’s life goals using the best means possible. To violate the thinking rules examined by Kahneman and Tversky thus has the practical consequence that we are less satisfied with our lived than we might be, Research conducted in my own laboratory has indicated that there are systematic individual differences in the judgment and decision-making skills that Kahneman and Tversky studied.

Ironically, the Nobel Prize was awarded for studies of cognitive characteristics that are entirely missing from the most well-known mental assessment device in the behavioral sciences: intelligence tests. Scientists and laypeople alike tend to agree that “good thinking” encompasses sound judgment and decision-making – the type of thinking that helps us achieve our goals. Yet assessments of such good (rational) thinking are nowhere to be found on IQ tests.

Intelligence tests measure important things, but they do not assess the extent of rational thought. This might not be such a grave omission if intelligence were a strong predictor of rational thinking. But my research group found just the opposite: It is a mild predictor at best, and some rational thinking skills are totally dissociated from intelligence.

To an important degree, intelligence tests determine the career of millions of people. Children are given intelligence tests to determine eligibility for admission to school programmes for the gifted. Corporations and the military depend on assessments that are little more than disguised intelligence tests.

Perhaps some of this attention to intelligence is necessary, but what is not warranted is the tendency to ignore cognitive capacities that are at least equally important: the capacities that sustain rational thoughts and action.

Critics of intelligence tests have long pointed out that the tests ignore important parts of mental life, mainly non-cognitive domains such as socio-emotional abilities and interpersonal skills. But intelligence tests are also radically incomplete as measures of cognitive functioning, which is evident from the simple fact that many people display a systematic inability to think or behave rationally despite having more than adequate IQ.

For a variety of reasons, we have come to overvalue the kinds of thinking skills that intelligence tests measure and undervalue other important cognitive skills, such as the ability to think rationally.

Psychologies have studied the major classes of thinking errors that make people less than rational. They have studied people’s tendencies to show incoherent probability assessments; to be overconfident in knowledge judgments; to ignore the alternative hypothesis; to evaluate evidence with a “my side” bias; to show inconsistent preferences because of framing effects; to over-weigh short-term rewards at the expense of long-term well-being; to allow decisions to be affected by irrelevant context; and so on.

All of these categories of failure of rational judgment are very imperfectly correlated with intelligence – meaning IQ tests tend not to capture individual difference in rational thought. IQ tests measure mental skills that have been studied for a long time, whereas psychologists have only recently had the tools to measure the tendencies towards rational and irrational thinking.

Nevertheless, recent progress in the cognitive science of rational thought suggest that nothing could stop us from constructing an “RQ” test.

Such a test might prove highly useful. Sub-optimal investment decisions have, for example, been linked to overconfidence in knowledge judgments, the tendency to over-explain chance events, and the tendency to substitute affective valence for thought. Errors in medical and legal decision-making have also been linked to specific irrational thinking tendencies that psychologists have studied.

There are strategies and environmental fixes for the thinking errors that occur in all of these domains. But it is important to realize that these thinking errors are more related to rationality than intelligence. They would be reduced if schools, businesses and government focused on the parts of cognition that intelligence tests miss.

Instead, these institutions still devote far more attention and resources to intelligence than to teaching people how to think in order to reach their goals. It is as if intelligence has become totemic in our culture. But what we should really be pursuing is development of the reasoning strategies that could substantially increase human well-being.

(This article was taken from "The Straits Times", Wednesday, April 08, 2009 A22, Review & Forum)

Complete article in:
What Intelligence Tests Miss: The Psychology of Rational Thought
Hardcover: 328 pages
Publisher: Yale University Press; 1 edition (January 27, 2009)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 030012385X
ISBN-13: 978-0300123852
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I Wish...

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What’s wrong with a wish?
Something nice for your friends.
When the day’s not so great
You can change how it ends
It’s a wonderful gift
To wish someone a wish
But it seems that not everyone sees it like this

I wish all my troubles away
All my dreams come true
I wish for blue skies every day
And I can wish it for you
Why would I wait
For what a wish can create?
Why should I work so hard?
I wish, ‘cause wishing is great!

A wish is the best
No disappointments or tears
If something bad happens
I make it disappear
If there’s something I want
There’s no reason to fret
There’s no wish limit on all the things I can get

I wish all my troubles away
All my dreams come true
I wish for blue skies every day
And I can wish it for you
Why would I wait for what a wish can create?
Why should I work so hard?
I wish, ‘cause wishing is great!

When I wish, it feels right
The whole world’s shiny and bright
I know wishing makes everything all right.
Where there’s a wish
There’s a way
So I’ll keep wishing each day

I wish all my troubles away,
Doesn’t anybody see?
I wish for blue skies every day.
I wish there were others like me,
Others like me
Who like to wish all day long
Is there something I can do?
Wish I knew!

~ Stephanie Beard ~

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Tribute to the boyfriends

This is a tribute to the boyfriends whom God has kindly placed in my path when things are awry. Nothing romantic for all but one (I think) on the list are happily married men. But I love them - as much as I do my girlfriends. They may not read this, but I just thought it a good idea to pen (ok, key) down the thoughts and feelings that are going through me now....

The True Bro: Gus was among the first person to notice that i was in some kinds of dumps some time back, apart from my girlfriends whom I'd instinctively share rants and raves with (major or not). A little unexpected, but the constant and multiple texts and phone checks were like slated stilts of supports in the face of crumpling emotions.

He trusted me to get out of my dumps in a somehow accepting manner. There was no criticisms and no diversions when I vented. Nor was there any "standard" statements of comfort...

All there was were constant nudgings and full attention, his confidence... and of course some of his initiative ideas that I said thanks, but no to (haha)... The sincere genuineness had its therapeutic effect that helped me stand right back up in a way... Really love (not THAT kind of love) him for that...


The Chimney: My avenue to release. Oh yes, caught in the labryrinth of life's happenings, sometimes, all that is needed is some venting of all those gripes buried deep within and stenched with decompositions. The chimney is essential to carry off all the smog and soot, the grouses and questions.... My thanks to E* for listening to my grievances. There were loads and loads and loads of it, i guess, and i think i was not even quite finished yet... hahaha.

There were attempts to empathise and to share experiences. There were alternative perspectives.There he was, listening even when I don't even think I made any sense, and I was going in my rounds in circles through the night. Nonetheless, there was no impatience, no time limits, no cutting short. For that evening, the person who would sit beside has no TV to distract or snooze to catch up on, or work to complete. I do not believe that he doesn't have things he wanted or needed to catch up on, but I had the privilege of full attention. I was allowed to be seated alongside and go round and round and round (and many, many rounds) on my spins, coughing out the most insignificant grits.

Sometimes, all that is ever needed is someone who'd show some interest. It helped, perhaps, to be able to just be wilfully self-centred for that one moment, and have someone give me some undivided attention. It was emotionally intoxicating, I suppose and I appreciate it...


The Dreamer: ESim* has absolute no idea of what I was going through, or anything that is happening in my life for that matter. It all started with a pretty unexpected dream of his and an email without much content. From there spun exchanges of aspirations and ideals, dreams of desires..... Perhaps it was because he does not know me that well to the extend that there existed any presumptions that might hold back the sharing, or that he probably sees me as just a by-passer who will not judge him, hence, the open outpour of deep-seeded thoughts and perspectives, of failures and of pursuits.

There were sharings of laments... of being already caught where ideals conflict with practicalities and expectations. He too has his ideals (in other aspects), but he was caught on the bare cake with little icing. To expect fairytales to exist in practicality is a high order, he would say. Yet, even with that, he never cast my thoughts as impossibilities. Somehow, his messages had me find some lights of hope glimmers in his kind wish that my pursuit would be a different and fruitful one...


The Chaperon: It is scary to be alone too many a times. Perhaps I cannot bear being alone.. it makes me unsettled and scared. Or perhaps, I just needed to have someone to talk to as I journey... So I actually do appreciate the evenings when I have classes with ALow*, and someone would accompany me in the walk under the dark skies... along the dark roads. I need not be vigilant. I can afford to be careless. I can be in confidence that there is someone on the lookout for me, and pull me back onto the pathway when I stray to the road with oncoming traffic, or when I lose my balance. It just relaxes me....

(Oh yes, thanks to E* too for being the chaperon on one of the days last week too. The offer to carry my little "burden" and the company had me breathe a little easier under the starless night...)


The Angel Stranger: The first time we shook hands, "Angel..." was the first words he sprouted. No, I had not appeared to look like an angel. Apparently, he had just greeted some other person by the name Angeline before he turned my direction, and was probably having some synapses lapse. haha... Anyway, WH* is a stranger. Besides his name (which I hope I remembered correctly for my synapses do not just go on lapses, I suspect they are permanently demaged), I do not know him. He was just some random guy who happened to be sitting beside me for two consecutive sundays in a very big congregational church where different faces are greeted every week.

This sunday was a "prayer and praise" service. A new initiative by the church to give extended time to prayers and songs during the usual worship service. This is the second of such service this year, and having been to the first, I did not quite feel like going for another one. This is because the order of worship in these services will usually have a session called corporate prayer session where the leader would encourage people to pray with the person beside for a few minutes. Those minutes are a dread to me.

Half the time, I will be sandwiched between some lovey-dovey couples or families, feeling super-ultra marginalized. Otherwise, I will be sitting a few seats away from another singleton, acting anti-social. Why? Sometimes, i just don't know how to pray with someone whom I do not know... it somehow feels kinda superficial... or perhaps, i am just a little retard when warming up to people... and most times, if there is any singleton who would try to inch near, it will be some damsel-looking, dewy-eyed girls, expecting me to take intiatives (perhaps cos I look physically bigger.. haha). I guess i can if I want to, but I really do not feel like doing so most times. It just feels so unnecessarily superficial, I'd rather have some quiet time of my own. Ok, so I do know that i should stop being such an awkward porcupine, but.....

Such situations make me quite nervous really. I have even contemplated giving this sunday service a miss by telling myself that I have been to CCF on Saturday already. But well, I went nonetheless.

WH* came in a little late into the service, and took the empty seat beside me. We had a brush the week before when he sat (a seat away) beside me. Having had engaged in some small talks before, I can't say we are familar with each other, but at least, the initial ice had been broken.

When the pastor gave time (as expected) for corporate prayers, we managed to share some exchanges quickly. Both of us were probably not that comfy (singles are somewhat awkward creatures, I suppose), but I guess we take comfort to be able to talk to just another person like every others in the hall. He was sensitive to ask my comfort level, before asking on the things for myself that I'd want to pray for, and we comfortably settled on the group (I suggested) we pray for. There was no qualms too when I asked him to lead in the prayer. I was kinda glad that I can just let the man do it. (Haven't been able to do that for a long time!)

The prayer was natural and not intimidating (in the sense it was not "flowery" or with superfluous pious phrases. I think he prays very much like me, pretty simply, albeit a little better in his thought trend, so the minutes passed like a breeze). It simply covered my needs and his, plus the group that we had agreed to pray for - the GB/BB ministry... and the best thing was that he timed it so well..

When we ended, he lets on that he was in boy's brigade when he was in secondary school... ah.... don't I just love the BB boys.... (taller ones will be even better. hahah...)

A stranger he is, but an angel too. He had rescued me from the discomforts of that few minutes... Thank God!
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The Master Insects just cannot do...

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
~ Robert A. Heinlein ~

I'm glad I do not have to feel inadequate about not being able to claim being a master in anything... Frank Brown heads a top MBA school without a MBA in hand. All it takes are those down-to-earth and unassuming ideals, coupled with a certain steadfastness.

There was a time when my questions were scoffed at, and my why?s were met with expressions of mocking frustrations.. ah well... I stand comforted and glad that I am off being sneered at when throwing questions out of the norm that no professor addresses... and it makes me think... probably... just probably, I may do with someone who would spar with me intellectually without viewing my gonzo questions with contempt...

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Little Girl Blue

Thousand and one things to be done. But don't feel like doing even a single thing.... as if some nerves were wrecked and missing - grouchy, grumpy & blue... ... in need to swing to some Eden new...
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Sometimes, I just wonder if I am Perversely Unyielding or Persistent Resilience...

"Stubborn and ardent clinging to one's opinion is the best proof of stupidity”

Michel de Montaigne

(French Philosopher and Writer. 1533-1592)

"Time has a way of demonstrating that the most stubborn are the most intelligent”

Yevgeny Yevtushenko

(Russian Poet, b.1933)