It seemed exposés are in these weeks. Stomp had the week's topic "I confess" running for two weekends now. I'd expected that the paid bloggers will spill guts, but well, behind the apparent candour, everyone still had nothing very intriguing to confess. That probably explains why the week's (note: not weeks') topic had to go on running...
I'd hence decided to write my own little confession. An exposé of some sort. But not exactly too. It's the means that justify the end, and I am putting this in writing, not so much to bore, but to discover myself...
People walk in and out through the last quarter century of my life, and I must say I really appreciate the chances we had to have the brushes... It's through the exchanges I pick up lessons, and sometimes, learn more about myself.... Well, as a book title say, "As Iron Sharpens Iron, One Man sharpens Another".... That's true to an extent.
Had an opportunity last Tuesday to have a little talk with EKH. Okay.. i'd confess it was kick-started by a miscommunication and a little confrontation.... this is one of the few exceptional cases where I allow a hearing. Other times, I might have condemned without trial. I've always thought a loose word here and a careless whisper there is the most candid manifestation of a person's thoughts... Ermm... right, that did not sound very pleasant, but well, in any case, I'm glad the incident did not lead to any catastrophe...
I've always kinda enjoyed talking to EKH. (yes, yes, if you are reading this, this is not to inflate your ego. It's true.) Half the time, I find myself picking a lesson or two from a more savvy senior. As he realise his dream of being a psychologist-counsellor on the people he meets, he took time expounding on the kind of person I am after the exchange... He confirmed the retarded neurontransmitter patterns that exist in my being. The consolation according to him, is that when I articulate my thoughts in writing, the slow neurons will steadily fall into place and rationalised reasons will steer my thoughts towards a stubborn belief that things are never as bad as it always seem. With that, he urged me to try analysing the whole incident again - probably in hope to prove him innocent of the insult I'd initially thought he had thrusted on me.
Well, my anger was quelled after the talk. Let's just say I've got to give him some credit for taking time to humor my little insecure soul with what seemed sincere and sensible enough talks. However, I was not about to be taken in by everything he says. The impulse connections in my brain may have a little more seams than the others, and synapses may be retarded (that, I acknowledge), but I'd still like to do my own review.
Hence, I came back, and had a little recap on my blog entries to ascertain the pattern he concluded. It was not so much as to prove his innocence or such, since I am no longer too upset about what happened (yea... so much for being fickle sometimes... but if it's for betterment, why not?), but I am curious to know if I am truly what he perceives of me - the tough and headstrong gal.
And so it goes, after chewing on my blog entries, I found it's kinda true that I often register a neutral, if not sometimes, positive note to end my entries. (That which he observed.) But in retrospect, I guess it is not so much as that I have that perservering and adamant spirit. On the contrary, it's just my way of attempting to convince myself that if I'd keep on believing even when situations may be a grieve, all things will eventually go well...
I'd confess hence that I am not as unyielding as anyone may have perceived me to be. I still do have my doubts and my anxieties.To end each episode with a positive note is my way to assuage distresses and spur myself on with self-encouraging words. Let's face it, it's not everyday I get to meet people who would care less, much less be perspicacious and be empathetic about how I feel. If I'd wait around for such people to appear, I would probably have spiralled down the multiple dungeons of depression, never to resurface again....
Whatever... Just as I fault people for not being sensitive to me, I guess I've been pretty careless with other's emotional needs as well. With this, I've learnt a lesson thus....
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream of your wish
Will come true...
~~ Jerry Livingston~~
*
3 comments:
interesting... well thought process.. as you write! E :)
above both comments coming from the same person?
Oh yes, just in case you don't know, u can choose the "Other" identity to at least give yourself an identity. Signing on as anonymous is too difficult for the pea brain to decipher... keke...
By the way, entry #2 statement seems like a sentence you'd find marked out of the GP teacher's pen (or keyboard, whatever...) Bwahahaha...
Of course, you can't beat the oddball in being interesting in its own ways right? Any more revelations?
Anyway, I think u are right. I'm really "slow". I got screamed at for reasons I'd want to refute today, but got stuck cos' my thought trend was disturbed. Ended up losing my cool instead... image spoilt... this is a bad friday...
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