How do I do the Resolution?

01-Jan came and went with the fireworks. So did the 15 days of Chinese New Year. It's a little late to talk about resolutions now, right? Ah well, whatever..

Eversince going through the eye procedure, I feel like I am living in some para-zone. Most times, I can see happenings whizzing by pretty well, but when some sort of concentration is needed to grab a thought and /or to intellectualize anything, my near vision blurs. It is not only the eyes. My impaired and possibly impairing cognitive mechanisms are also becoming more apparent. And I am tempted to put all the blame on my surgeon but yea, I suppose that's unfair. But what's fair?

So, a grouch I have been as I manoeuvred through life's past months in bitter annoyance. A colleague got the brunt of it for a good many weeks because he conveniently forgot an appointment we've made without any care or notice. I derived no amusement for being treated so flippantly. I was not hoping that anyone should push out other appointments for me, but the least is to give me a courtesy heads-up when I get pushed out.

Last Sunday, a smart-alecky young boy shook my hands and said my name is Florence before I had even introduce myself. I told him, no, I am not Florence, but Fxxxxxxx. He dismissed me and said it's the same. It's NOT (double bold, and double-underline-in-red "NOT") the same, Brawny-Boy! I pulled out my thickest block of ice jacket and retreated back to my seat. Not too sure if I have been feeling too self-important, (and ok, this is a small matter,) but somehow, I thought I'd at least deserve a little more politeness.

For some reasons, I am still unable to come to terms with myself being a triviality even having lived through three decades. I know life's not fair, but who is another mere human to have me trodden under their feet? Who are these people whom I did not even get to choose to mess my life up?

"Unfair!", I cry, but so what? I have found that I am not the only factor to whip up such a fare. The other factors are somewhat impossible (at least for me) to control. Okay, I might have been thought to have over-reacted.... but... but.... *sigh*

I have gone through this too many times, and I'd think I've sulked so much that I'd suppose my innards had all turned disagreeably acrid. There are times when I seriously thought I was getting used to the bitter taste. But no, the flavour still does make me sick. I am in desperate need for some candy coats.

Hence, the resolution: I've gotta try to keep happy. Not the self-deluded kind of happy, but to be really happy.

Yeah, it's what most people take for granted, but I guess it's what I'd need a double dose of resolution to keep. Wallowing in self-pity is like adding depression to depression. Or depression to what already is depressing. I really should not waste the next half of my life in reeking dumps. I have never quite done any resolutions. But really, how does one get his little gasp of cheer while being ruthlessly tramped on?

Read somewhere that psychologists found social ties to be reliable indicator of happiness, and I am fully aware that I sux big-time at keeping ties. My already small social circle is shrinking with time, and I am of little confidence I can truly push the boundary bigger. I'd try to at least keep that already small circle from constricting further, but my mind is failing, I have never been very entertaining, and there are even fewer interested parties to get knotted in... hmm...  so, how do i do the resolution?