Condition: Grouch

Yes, I have been on the downswing for the past few days.

Saw a colleague with her boyfriend yesterday, and i pretended not to see them. Not too sure if it is that I don't feel comfy with her bf's expressionless stone face, or that I am generally in a don't-feel-like-making-small-talks mood. Or just maybe, I really don’t feel like seeing yet another couple within my sight range (remember what they say about the grouchy old maids?).

I wish I could be more vivacious and bubbly. Live the time with more hope and energy... Or at the very least, feel more attractive. But it is taking increasing efforts to defy gravity and keep up the smiles. My hair is in some mess; no amount of combing seems to be able to tame them. The parting is wrong no matter how. My clothes looked ugly. And my skin awful too… I hate what I am seeing. Even my mind is not able to churn any useful words to hold any meaningful conversation. No news or gossips tantalize like they should. Everyone seemed to be getting on my nerves. I thought I just wanted to be hidden in my own corner, yet I hate that very thought... that of being ignored into non-existence..

And someone who talked about having to get comfy alone at this age, or the other who exalts life in so-called swinging independence set my eyeballs rolling in annoyance...

Ok, I confess. I am in the old maid's mood... *&#%*@
(i learnt that term from the k-serials.. geez... i think i should stop watching any more k-dramas...)

Hello, I'm Porc-ky.

I do not actually make extra efforts to get acquainted with new (some)bodies. With age, I know I am making less or no new friends, but I am making no effort to navigate through life otherwise. Yes, I am a social porcupine whose quills grow longer and sharper with age.

Am I socially dysfunctional? Have I been pulling anti-social antics subconsciously? Much as I'd like to think I am learning to be more forgiving, somehow, there will be people who pisses me off indefintely, and more others with whom I'd forever feel some negative vibes - I could feel dark clouds of awkwardness loom whenever they are near...

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Honestly, I have no inkling how friends are made. There is no direct formula or logical object flow that can be applied. Usually, I am pretty much “intuitively reactive”. For me, getting comfy with people is simply magic. Something I, myself cannot quite fathom.

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There are people who I naturally feel an affinity with and won't mind them venturing into my sphere of personal space bubble. Yet there are others with whom I am happy to keep my distance from.

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This week, I have been getting some texts that leaves me not knowing how best to react. I didn't want to be nasty. Neither am I in the mood to be friendly and entertain. My quills stood up. I did a naughty thing and pretended to miss the texts. (but there are genuine times when i really did forget to reply them!)

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Well, if all things fail, i might just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I'm Porc-ky..."

(alright, i admit, i'm a bad liar. I probably won't be able to do that... so please don't call me using some new numbers I never knew. You probably won't get through...)

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Men who left me perplexed

Was suppose to meet up with the "married men club" last week, and both guys offered to give me a ride... I was over-whelmed by the attention, albeit for the fact that they are all married men. Then I found out that there were some unhappiness over something so seemingly trivial and minor as just that.. gosh... how did things take a turn to such complications?

Met up with Tuan* on Thursday and she told me her surprise when her 84-year-old father-in-law still remembers and asks after me after all these years. Yes, I do adore the old man, but like Tuan*, I simply did not expect him to still remember me after such a long absence... i mean... it has been at least half a decade... perhaps XL* was right - I appeal to the old uncles and aunties... (and only them?)

Then there was a particular some other who would offer to drive me home, and ask me out for lunches (when he is hungry and has no plans for the afternoons)... Not appearing when he said he would (yet said he remembered, which is not consistent with his short memory...), and appearing when least expected (supposedly to be real busy), only to be in a rush to scoot off for yet another appointment, without much exchanges... and in seeming distraction and nonchalence... But why appear to start with then?

Am I supposed to read anything into that?

Ah well, I guess there are just too many things I don’t understand…

* shrug *

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It’s Okay to Leave a Little Room for Imperfections.

W.Ong* is one of the most remarkable amongst my friends. The charming old-skool all-rounder who did well academically, was a government scholar, and had a PhD under his name. But he was no geek. Talk to him about anything under the sun, the well read, well traveled and well-informed dude has all the information and (of course) his views. From the latest academic researches, to fashion, music, arts or techie stuffs, none would faze him….

He does sports (actually taught himself to play tennis just from reading!), does music (great tenor, and plays the piano & percussion), is able to carry himself appropriately at every right occasion, etc, etc. He is basically the lucky, talented chap whom anyone would wish his son could grow into.

From what I see, he had everything going great for him except for what I see as a little blemish (not that he cared): that he had to make do with sleeping with his wonder woman poster at age 40. (I mean… it’s probably still cool now, when one is still able and looking good. But I can’t quite imagine the sight when he turns age 80.)

I used to wonder if single hood was a lifestyle choice for him.

I never thought that I would meet another such character until I met WH*. After the rounds of interactions, I found a side of him that I couldn’t help but relate to W.Ong*. Though younger, WH* is the same privileged kid who gets to have the enviable exposures and talents, all under the right conditions. I was impressed just hearing him speak of his experiences (before it got a tad intimidating how some people just seems to have it all…) He was most certainly another perfectly eligible match for any girls smart and pretty. Given that I do see so many single ladies who so awed me, I wonder why he still is swinging single, and making do with seeking enjoyment in solitary activities.

I won’t say these guys are the ones closest to perfection on our measure-stick. But they sure are looking pretty impressive to me. They are the ones who were endowed with the skills to be jacks-of-all-trades, and managed to score reasonably well in each of them… There is just so little that would impress them unless you are a better master than them in any of the “trades” they already knew, or that you know some “trades” that they don’t.

Putting this down, I think I have found the reason why they are still single despite seemingly being so perfectly eligible. This, aside from that minute probability that they really are so down on their luck (like me) that they never meet any eligible “The Other”. That chance is minuscule since their path seemed to me to be all smooth and peppered with the best of luck… (I am just a deprived and struggling jack-of-little-trades... so, not comparable.)

Sometimes, having little gaps give space for another to fill and complement that imperfection. Things growing out of cracks may be a little prettier than what already seems like a smooth (near) perfection… Well, so just be contended with the little imperfections in the people around you. Having room for the little flaws gives another a chance to fill the void...
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